Well, I made a New Year's resolution that I'd find a way to make money off this blog, and now it's time to give it a try. I saw a commercial on TV last night for Golden Corral, that $10 buffet place, and I think if I reprint it here and a lot of people read it maybe they'll send me a check. The commercial went by really quickly so I might have gotten some of the dialog wrong -- and I purposely made the announcer a little more sensible, because it really cried out for an opposing viewpoint -- but I did my best.


STARTING FEBRUARY 15, GOLDEN CORRAL IS A SEAFOOD LOVER'S PARADISE!
SCENE: Mom, Dad, and two kids are standing on a white stage talking to an invisible announcer.

MOM: We're real seafood lovers. Who's got the best seafood tonight?

DAD: How 'bout some tilapia?

ANNOUNCER: Tilapia? Whoa, you're fuckin' shooting for the stars, dude. Let me get this straight: you're seafood lovers. You can ask me for any fish in the universe. Sea bass, tuna, halibut, swordfish. And you ask for a bottom-feeder that usually comes from the country that soaks children's toys in lead paint?

MOM: Maybe grilled? Or with a zesty sauce?

ANNOUNCER: Zesty sauce. Fine. Forget that, according to Wikipedia, farm-raised tilapia is just slightly worse for you than frostbite. How about our new Jalapeño Glazed Tilapia, drizzled with Jalapeño Glaze and garnished with jalapeño slices?

DAD: Sounds awesome! Do you have any more tilapia?

ANNOUNCER: Sadly, yes. Our new Sweet Pecan Tilapia is fried to a golden brown and topped with pecan pieces, adding some small semblance of flavor to a fish that has absolutely none of its own.

DAD: Mm. That sounds delish!

MOM: What about me? Do you have anything a woman would like?

ANNOUNCER: Sweetie, those two dishes aren't exactly covered in eyeballs. Well, we've got Seafood Newburg, which is pretty much a croissant on top of some kind of marine life.

MOM: Fabulous! And do you have a seafood salad for a real seafood lover?

ANNOUNCER: No. Our seafood salad is a blend of vegetables and Surimi crab, which contains about as much real crab as an Almond Joy. But Dad, I've got great news!

DAD: Wait. Gulp. Do you mean . . .

ANNOUNCER: Yes! Surimi is a processed fish paste made of many undesirable fishes, including tilapia.

DAD: Hooray! We're hooked!

ANNOUNCER: Awesome! And make sure to come back next month for Golden Corral's Meat Lover's Paradise.

DAD: Oh boy! Will they have bologna?

ANNOUNCER: Dude, shut up and get in the fucking car.