Metamucil is a big company, and they must spend lots of money to advertise. Maybe they'll fork over a small pile of cash, then, if I share this fabulous new contest with my readers.


Win a Heart to Heart with Dr. Oz! Mehmet Oz, M.D., is the award-winning host of The Dr. Oz Show, and he probably did something even before Oprah discovered him. Well, one lucky person will actually win a chance to speak to Dr. Oz!

Oh. Sorry. I guess I should have warned you first so you could brace yourself.

I can already hear your excitement. "What?" you ask. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? Why, ever since I was a small child I've dreamed of talking to a medical professional. I think my grandfather did once, though the doctor's reply was something on the order of, 'I'm on vacation; do I really have to be subjected to grilling by a bellboy?' I knew America was a fabulous country, but I didn't realize that I could actually win competent medical advice!"

Yes, imagine the envy of your neighbors as you float into the rarefied stratosphere of folks with adequate medical coverage like Donald Trump and Paris Hilton, who can actually speak to doctors and get replies back, and don't solve their medical problems by Googling phrases like "+arm +'shooting pain.'" If you overcome million-to-one odds, Dr. Oz might actually speak with you for an hour or more, and -- although there is no guarantee -- he may actually glance away from his Blackberry while he's talking.

Needless to say, there can only be one winner, and if Dr. Oz says something like, "You need an appendectomy stat!" it doesn't actually bind him to performing any kind of treatment or taking the slightest bit of interest.

By now you're probably saying this is too good to be true. "Are you sure this isn't just an appointment with Dr. Oz? And he'll keep me waiting eighteen hours before I'm finally met by some Jamaican woman whose only qualification, as far as I can tell, is owning a pair of blue scrubs?"

No, you will actually meet with Dr. Oz, and you'll get to ask him anything! Now you can confirm that something's definitely wrong when your eyeballs move independently. Now you can ask if it's okay that your testicles are as green and hard as hand grenades. Now you can find out why the creams you buy at Rite Aid won't stop that weird cauliflower growing on your ass.

Enter every day, and good luck to you all. Me, I'm just pleased as punch that one of my readers might get to see a real live doctor, though maybe not quite so thrilled that seeing a member of the medical profession in America is valued right up there with all-expense-paid trips to Disney World. I think that's why I'm shaking right now, though if I don't win I'll never know for sure.