See, my memory has never been that great. I walk into the confessional, and all of a sudden my mind goes blank. What did I do again? Why am I here? Suddenly I start judging myself on a curve. How bad could I have been, comparatively speaking? I mean, this is New York.
I wrack my brain while the priest sighs and checks his Tag Heuer. The folks in line outside tap their feet. Finally I just say, "Oh, I read my ex's email, and told my neighbor to go fuck himself." Like Trix is part of a balanced breakfast, these are a big part of my average week.
Without fail, though, the second I step outside it all comes rushing back. I can't believe I forgot about blowing that jogger! And didn't I shoot a dog?
With this app, though, you can type in the sins as you commit them and not have to rely on your memory. Steal somebody's Fiero? Install a hidden camera above the toilet in your Texaco? Just a couple quick taps and you're cool. Plus, you're safe: your sins are stored in a password-controlled database.
When you finally decide to go to "Confession," the app shows its real skill. You type in basic information about yourself, and it customizes a list of questions just to make sure you didn't miss anything. "Have you had dirty thoughts?" it asks. "Have you touched yourself?" Wow, I think: those are sins? It's really going to crucify me if it asks whether I looked at a dog's balls and then started fantasizing about Ed Asner.
Still, it's not entirely perfect. Its mind seems to wander. "Do you like pizza?" it asks. "What are you wearing?" And then, "Are you parents home?" But in the end I think it's the best --
Whoops. I gotta go. There's somebody at the door.
No comments:
Post a Comment