Whenever Raoul sleeps over, I know it's going to be bad. Not the sleeping part, of course, but the part where we wake up. "I have to get up at nine," he insists. "I have a very full day planned." I set the alarm for nine, and it wakes me up at nine. Nothing short of a jackhammer, though, could wake up Raoul, so naturally the job goes to me.
"Raoul, it's nine o'clock. Time to get up."
One eye opens. It scowls at me. "Why won't you let me sleep?" he accuses. "Bastard. Now I'll never get to finish that incredible dream."
Got that? Yes, it's entirely my fault, though I personally don't need to get up until two minutes before RuPaul's Drag Race starts. In fact, it's only slightly better than when I don't wake him up, because at least he doesn't blame an entire day on me.
The smart person can learn something from this story, aside from "Most dudes are assholes." ALARM CLOCKS ARE FUCKED UP. Ostensibly they wake up whoever wants to be woken up, but in reality they rouse the dude who didn't finish off the Cointreau.
Which is why I came up with this: an alarm clock with a tiny spit-cup on top. Whoever wants to get up spits into the cup. The clock analyzes the DNA and, at the set time, rousts anybody matching that DNA.
Sure, I realize it's a little technical, but it doesn't really have to be that precise. I don't care if it wakes up his parents, or any possible offspring. But it definitely shouldn't bother anybody who's got his DNA on them, or -- knowing my part-time boyfriend -- New York would actually be the city that never sleeps.
My other invention is a space-age slicer/dicer. Basically it's a box lined with mirrors and a laser stuck in one end. You put a loaf of bread in the box, hit the SLICE button, and with a quick zap your bread is sliced. Put in an onion, hit the CHOP button, and your onion is chopped.
Really, I don't know why nobody's made these already. Weren't lasers supposed to revolutionize the world? At the very least they were supposed to zap all our eyes out. Can't their awesome power be harnessed to facilitate guacamole? Instead, I find myself cursing the scientific establishment as my dull Henckel squashes all the juice out of a tomato. I find myself agreeing with the other, more sensible scientist who was surely hanging around when the laser was invented.
INVENTOR: I've done it! I've created a device that emits electromagnetic radiation through optical amplification of the stimulated emission of photons. Do you realize what this means?
SENSIBLE SCIENTIST: Ohmigod! No more boring Pink Floyd shows at the planetarium!
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