If Clarence Thomas were an athlete, he'd be a boxer. He'd sign up to fight some up-and-comer on an undercard in Atlantic City, and then he'd show up flabby and forty pounds overweight. He'd shake hands, then punch his opponent in the groin. One roundhouse to his glass jaw, though, and he'd be out like a light.

"One day!" he'd mutter to himself as they hauled him away on a stretcher. "I'll be on top one day!"

His wife would be caught smuggling steroids in from Canada. He'd have a tattoo of the cartoon character Calvin taking a wizz across his forehead.

Unfortunately, Thomas is just an accomplished idiot who came in handy when George W. Bush needed one. And he's currently making a name for himself as a liar who writes American laws.

Three years ago, Thomas went to a political retreat for wealthy conservatives sponsored by Charles and David Koch, brothers who spend millions financing conservative causes. It was a “brief drop-by," a court spokesperson said, and Thomas gave a short talk.

Later, though, it was revealed that (1) Thomas was there for four days, and (2) all his expenses were paid.

It shouldn't come as a surprise, then, that last year Justice Thomas helped pass a Supreme Court decision that allowed corporations to donate to political causes with very little public disclosure, directly aiding the "brief drop-by"'s hosts.

If a film were made about Thomas the boxer, he'd be played by Gary Busey. He'd blather ridiculous excuses knowing nobody'd dare touch him while -- just in case -- Justice Scalia stood nearby holding a folding chair.