I was hooked from the pre-show chitchat on the red carpet. Loooved what's apparently become a new trend. Stars have always borrowed designer clothing or million-dollar necklaces in exchange for casually dropping the designer's name. Well, this year the stars actually wheeled housewares and home appliances down the red carpet. It looked like year-end clearance at some fabulous Wal-Mart.
Sharon Stone plugged her gown -- Armani, of course -- but also showed off the $20,000 worth of hand-carved Baccarat barware she was carrying. "Isn't this decanter lovely?" she asked Susan Holt of Access Hollywood. "A fourth-generation crystal craftsman etched every single one of those lines!" Jenna Elfman wheeled a high-efficiency Amana washer/dryer down the red carpet topped by a fuchsia bow that matched her Dior gown. "It uses half the water of a regular washer," she blabbed to Carmena Fischer of Entertainment Weekly. "And saving our planet's resources is what it's all about!"
From the opening bell it seemed like the telecast was itching for a fight between old Hollywood and new. They showed clips from Gone With the Wind, and later Salt. They played music from West Side Story, and later Randy Newman sang.
Yup, it's unanimous: It's new Hollywood by a knockout!
I laughed when Christian Bale defended Melissa Leo by saying he's dropped the F-bomb "plenty of times" before. That's real class, turning everything into a story about you. It certainly shouldn't have prompted Ms. Leo to run back onstage screaming, "Motherfucker! Cocksucker! Whore!" Luckily James Franco defused the tension by saying Winter's Bone had pulled out of Rabbit Hole and was now pounding on the King's Peach.
And I loved loved loved Kirk Douglas. How did he never win an Oscar? Heck, with his naughty asides to Ms. Hathaway he almost convinced me that he could still get an erection. I shed a tear for those long-gone times when you didn't move your face because you were a gladiator, not because it'd been disabled by Botox. Note to Nicole Kidman: Spartacrissy!
Kirk totally stole the show while somebody -- I think it was a female -- tried to accept some award. Note to Kanye: after you have a stroke and an eye job, we'll cut you some slack too! There was a standing O at my house when they finally dragged him offstage.
Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow proved they could be singers if -- ha! -- the acting didn't work out. That song about Hugh Jackman was so funny I'm sending them a ditty about Adam West as we speak. And didn't Jennifer Hudson look pretty? That woman is a fabulous role model, showing everybody she isn't giving up her singing career because of a man. No, she's ditching it because of success.
Anne congratulated Hollywood on its diversity, and she got that right: straight white women played more lesbians than ever this year. It's like we were janitors at some high school: there were lesbos everywhere we looked! Okay, so there weren't a lot of African Americans in the program. In fact, I only saw two, one of whom was dead. But all those cute black kids more than made up for it. I'm sure Oscar isn't saying that, like dogs and cats and child stars, they just don't age well. Besides, hiring a hundred black kids for an hour is even better than hiring a grownup dude full-time.
For me, though, the absolute highlight had to be that closing montage of all the good bits from the new movies. I can't wait to see the King's Speech now! That narration was so, so moving! The king didn't stutter once during his --
Oh.
Like Melissa Leo said while wheeling her Amana Radarange back down the red carpet, "Shit-eating, motherfuckin' cunt!"
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