Democrats are losers for one simple reason: we insist on being logical, responsible, reasonable adults. Which is idiotic, considering the circumstances. It's like driving around a Destruction Derby going, "Gosh, I'd better slow down or somebody might dent my fender." We're using knives and forks at a pie-eating contest.

Political power is like a dinner buffet on a cruise ship: when the doors swing open at dinnertime, all the Republicans will sprint like their lives depend on it, and grab for everything they can get. They'll be stuffing chicken wings in their bras and spare ribs in their boxer shorts, jamming dinner rolls and breadsticks in their handbags and balancing plates of carrot cake on their heads. The Democrats will be all, "After you!" "No, after you!" and by the time they finally make it to to the table they'll be nothing but fruit cocktail and Bac'O Bits.

Yes, they'll have their honor. They'll know they did the right thing. And the next morning they'll be absolutely starving while the Republicans are having belching contests in their lounge chairs and and helping their spouses roll over when their bulging stomachs get too pink.

We're smart. We're polite. We're so much better than them, we think as we sip cognac and they set fire to the topiary around our estate. We're teaching our kids Spanish and they're teaching their kids how to box. How uneducated they are, we think, sure that little Desmond's declension of past participles will provide him ample ammunition against packs of roaming eight-year-olds who want to punch him in the spleen.

The Republicans don't even have an ounce of manners or tact, and it's a compliment when I say they can sink far, far lower than Democrats. After all, politics is like that slutty reality show, Temptation Island. And the Democrats are wearing one-piece suits so they don't embarrass their family and friends at home, while the Republicans are wearing thongs whose tops slide down whenever anybody says the word "Jägermeister."

Who do you think is going to get the gold Trojan at the Condom Ceremony?

When the last President Bush said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iran, we Democrats figured we'd give him the benefit of the doubt. "Well, it sounds a little sketchy," we thought, "but since we don't have any intelligence services, we can't exactly say no." I mean, you can't call a guy a liar if you don't have evidence, right? And so began the biggest mistake in the history of the world.

The Republicans took a far smarter tact. They decided they didn't need to understand something just to disagree with it. They realized years ago that they don't need to make sense to make an impact: they just need signs. Repetition and volume are a great substitute for substance. Muslim activist Malcolm X said we need to fight "by any means necessary," and ironically its the creationist Christians who grabbed that advice.

Since nobody can be sure of anything these days, whoever looks the most confident wins. And who looks most confident? People who don't have an opposing thought in their heads. Sarah Palin, for instance, knows for absolute fact that God created Adam and Eve. Evolution can't be real! After all, she met her grandparents, and they weren't monkeys, even if they did occasionally throw their feces at visitors.

Democrats? Well, we've got a lot of contradictory information. The Wall Street Journal says one thing, and the New York Times says another. There could be WMDs in Iraq. After all, Israeli intelligence released a few reports saying Saddam Hussein tried to buy nuclear material by funneling money through Kuwait.

Republicans? Glenn Beck agrees with Rush Limbaugh who agrees with Hannity and Colmes: OBAMA'S A MUSLIM TERRORIST AND HIS DEATH SQUADS ARE GONNA KILL MEEMAW!!! HIS WIFE IS GROWING POISONED TOMATOES IN THE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN THAT THE CIA IS GOING TO ADD TO WAL-MART PIZZA ROLLS! And Star magazine agrees with People and Us Weekly that Angelina hired an Angolan hit squad to kill Johnny Depp because he refused to fertilize three hundred viable ovum at her lab in Kiev.

Seconds after Obama took office, the Republicans attacked. Nobody gave him the benefit of the doubt. Nobody assumed that he, a Harvard-educated lawyer, could be smarter than somebody whose home was held up by cement blocks. Nope, the gloves came off, and every word was criticized. They mobilized, and they screamed BABY KILLER! or SOCIALIST! or WHY NOT JUST POOP ON THE CONSTITUTION? every time a Democrat spoke.

When Bush was president, we said "Excuse me," and "Pardon me," and "I'm not clear what you meant." Now that Obama is president, our opponents are climbing into vans and heading to the rifle range.

And now, of course, the Republicans hold the upper hand. Washington is a tailgate party they control. There are five hundred drunks chugging Jack Daniels around the Republican truck, while two Democrats stand near a Prius going, "Would anyone like a free-range root beer?"

So, I call on the Democrats to make that inevitable change. Politics is a race, and we can't keep taking the high road when our opponents are mounting ATVs and cutting through rainforest. To be a gentleman is to go through the door last.

I say adios sense, goodbye tact, sayonara truth. We need to reclaim "By any means necessary" so it's the motto the poor use to wrest power from the rich, not what homeschooling Mormons scream when they set fire to the Gay Culture section at Barnes & Noble.

Anyway, that's it for me today. Now I've got to Photoshop Jeff Foxworthy's name onto a Parisian birth certificate, then tell the police I saw Toby Keith with a pistol the day the music died.