Somebody needs to tell that bitch Madonna to mind her own business. Why's she always poking her skinny nose into places where it doesn't belong?

Naturally I'm talking about the way she buys foreign children in Malawi. You wonder why the world hates America? You got a prime example right here. Why does this woman think she can blithely plow her way into a government building and randomly grab a kid, like she's shopping for free-range beef at Whole Foods? She thinks that just because she has enough money to support it she can take it home with her. Is that unbelievable? What kind of egomaniacal hubris makes her think these kids don't already have parents that they love?

My God, sometimes she doesn't even wait until after they've had their daily teaspoon of rice.

Well, you say, so far she's just been pulling kids out of orphanages. What difference does that make? See, Malawi has a different sort of child-care system. In Malawi, all the kids in orphanages have families. Orphanages are really more like day-care centers, or even summer camps, where you can park a kid while you're, say, redecorating your hut, or fattening up the rat for Thanksgiving dinner. They're a convenient way to get the kids out of your hair for a year or two while you're trying to earn enough to buy a cup of flour.

It's different, but it's quite an efficient system. See, with these types of orphanages, the Malawians do away with the tyranny of parenthood, because having a child doesn't have to be a life-long sentence. Any time you want you can drop your kid off at a state-supported center, and every morning you can decide whether or not you want him back. Parents can spend many wonderful years in peace and quiet without ever giving up the right to say, "Hey, I want David back now that that rich old white woman wants him!"

Okay, so the orphanages aren't particularly easy on the children. I mean, they know they've got relatives on the outside, and it's not particularly reassuring to them to know that they're in this strange environment because Grandma doesn't want them until they're six. But with all the activities in these orphanages, they soon forget. They play Swat the Dung Beetle and Who's Eating Dirt and pretty soon they're oblivious to the world -- and prime targets for every white woman who happens to have a spare room and a sandwich or two.

Really, it's the most unimaginable hubris. I mean, how would Madonna feel if a rich African man burst into an American orphanage and pulled out three or four children just because he wanted to give them a better life? Doesn't sound quite so altruistic now, right?

Obviously life in Malawi isn't perfect. There is hunger and disease. But the biggest problem by far is keeping meddlesome rock stars out of orphanages, and stopping rich people from buying these children. They are not commodities. They are not possessions. They're living, breathing beings who may be wanted by their parents one day soon.