Miscellaneous Travel Thoughts

I spent five days in the Alps. The cold was unbelievable. I froze straight through to the bone, and every step I took was an inhuman effort. At night we built fires, and huddled together for warmth. C'mon, how hard would it be to post English instructions on the fuckin' air conditioner?



Songs in which you'll find words that'll be helpful while you're traveling in Germany:

-- Cabaret ("Vilkomen, bienvenue")
-- Danke Schoene

Songs that aren't so helpful:

-- 99 Luftballons



It seems like every time I go somewhere I discover something that I guess should have been obvious but comes as a real surprise. When I went to the Bahamas, I didn't realize all the residents were poor and black. When I went to Montreal, I didn't realize all the street signs were in French.

And when I went to Barcelona, I didn't realize that everybody there smokes. Two or three cigarettes at a time, just in case one goes out. I couldn't wait to go: I'd read all those rapturous reviews about how great the tapas bars are, but they didn't mention that the restaurants are so smoky you'll have to take the waiter's word for it that he brought you food.

Barcelona was my first stop for a three-week tour of Europe. I pack light, so I didn't have a heck of a lot of clothes, and only had one coat. So my choice was, eat at one of those terrific places where all the locals go, burn out my sinuses and smell like an ashtray for the next three weeks, or live on takeout sandwiches and attack those cretins every chance I get.

Barcelona! Assholes. They're so freakin' lazy even the restaurants close for lunch.




Okay, I'll end this on a positive note. You're got to applaud the Europeans for one innovation. They've got a surefire answer to the question, "How can I get my kid to eat multicolored meat?"