First there's Miss California. What a courageous soul! Refused to sell out her beliefs for fame. I can't wait until the media gets tired of her and she has to ramp up the persecution to extend her fifteen minutes. "You know," she'll call into Howard Stern, "I don't like the darkies either, and now they won't let me on Dancing With the Stars!"
Then there's this Cougar TV show with Vivica A. Fox. News flash: first, this "trend" peaked with Furbys; and second, the word is OFFENSIVE. What do you call an over-the-hill woman who desperately tries to prove she's still attractive by buying the attentions of young men who eventually leave her, deciding they'd rather screw firm young flesh than earn cash? A cougar. And what do you call a middle-aged man who rents the attention of attractive young women? A MAN.
America's teens are squealing for Adam Lambert. Attractive, cool, amazingly talented. Sticks his trademark shriek in every song. Which works for, like, "Highway to Hell," but doesn't necessarily fly in "If I Can't Have You." Makes the audience a little wary when the singer sounds like he's going to slash his wrists with a Cure CD and then strangle somebody's cat.
Last but not least is this Susan whatsername. Eighteen billion YouTube hits. Believe it or not, this unwritten headline is sweeping the galaxy: UGLY WOMAN CAN SING.
You know the producers purposely mess her up before she goes onstage so she'll look even more like a train wreck. "Here," they say, "let me fix your makeup" -- and then they smear it with the back of their hands. "Here," they say, "let me fix your hair" -- while they muss it into a tumbleweed. "And gosh, you look absolutely gorgeous." Pause. "But put on this dog blanket just for luck."
And now we're a nation of soul-searchers. UGLY WOMAN MAKES WORLD RECONSIDER THEIR BELIEFS. "For all these years we've thought only attractive people could sing," we moan while smacking our backs with thorny branches. "Oh, if only we could turn back time!"
Is this really true? If an ugly dude with a guitar showed up at one of your parties, would you refuse to let him sing? "Honestly," you'd say, "we'd love to listen, but your nose could be a ski jump." Hey, I'll concede that I'm partly responsible for the economic meltdown, but you can't blame me for Mariah Carey.
Eager to jump on this fabricated bandwagon, a porn company has offered Susan a million bucks to star in a dirty movie. Let's hope she's no Miss California, and next month we can all head to the local multiplex to catch Britain's Got Tail-Entry.
1 comment:
Hey, that British singer, Susan whatsername, isn't ugly. Plain, perhaps, but not ugly. There's a difference. You want ugly, google Ann Coulter.
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