My friend Steve was telling me about Madonna's birthday. "Everybody had Crack Babies," he announced. "They're soooo fashionable these days."

You know, I'm all for celebrities adopting unfortunate children, but we've got to draw the line somewhere. "Goddammit," I snapped. "And I just put a deposit down on a four-month-old amputee."

Steve stared at me pitifully for about fifteen minutes, then explained himself. Turns out a Crack Baby isn't a fashion accessory but a new cocktail. Apparently I've been out of the alcoholic loop for quite a while. Back when I was in college, it was all Fuzzy Navels and Long Slow Bangs on the Beach. Now -- well, I'll let you judge for yourself. Which of these are probably being quaffed at hot Hollywood parties, and which are just random ethnic slurs?

1. Greasy Swede
2. Petulant Slav
3. Sticky Canadian
4. Intemperate Peruvian
5. Chain-Smoking Frenchman
6. Nutty Irishman
7. Clinically Depressed Norwegian
8. Pickled Ruski
9. Sweaty Mexican
10. Bow-Legged Cuban
11. Angry German
12. Crossdressing Turk



ANSWER: 1, 3, 6, 8, 9 and 11 are drinks found here. 2, 4, 5, 7, 10, and 12 are ethnic slurs. Don't try to order these in a bar.