Thursday, August 21, 2008

Napoleon's Elusive Penis Found

After seven decades spent collecting anything and everything, urologist John Lattimer passed away, leaving behind some 3,000 miscellaneous oddities for his family to sort through.

His daughter Evan catalogued the bounty with a mixture of curiosity and dread. What would the next box hold? she wondered. A dinosaur egg? Nazi cyanide? Abraham Lincoln's bloodstained shirt?

One can only imagine the look on her face when she discovered a severed penis in a jar. Her brother suggested they throw it out, proving he's never heard of eBay. But then they remembered their father's stories, and realized what they'd found:

A penis that may have belonged to Napoleon Bonaparte.

Dr. Lattimer supposedly bought the item at a Paris auction for $3,000 in 1977. His daughter believes its provenance is ironclad, traceable to the surgeon who performed Napoleon's autopsy. X-rays have determined that it is a human penis, but the French government won't give up a sample of Napoleon's DNA to compare.

Ms. Lattimer plans to sell the item at auction later this year for at least $100,000. Trust this intrepid reporter to be there with a healthy skepticism and measuring tape.

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