Words of Wisdom From a Master Tattooer

One thing most people don't know about me is I'm a master tattooer. I've been inking old ladies, drawing on anxious coeds, and leaving my mark on drunken sailors for close to four years. While some people think it's as easy as drawing a picture, there's a lot more to it than that.

You have to think long and hard before you tattoo somebody. Me, I ask myself a lot of tough questions, and I suggest everybody -- from the professional on Sunset Boulevard to the con who's made his rig from a guitar string and a WalkMan motor -- do the same before shooting ink into skin.

First, ask yourself if the subject matter is meaningful, because you don't want your customer regretting it in five or ten years. Their girlfriends, their parents, their kids -- all those can change from day to day, but a man never forgets his real love:



Second, know your strengths, and ask yourself if the tattoo is beyond your capability. Me, I specialize in portraits. When I draw a face on you, I know it'll be like a photograph, capturing the shine of their hair, the sparkle in their eyes, and maybe even the love in their hearts.



Third, now that you've settled on the tattoo, find the right place for it. Examine the shape of the body and the tattoo's flow. Mentally move it around until it's a perfect fit. It's surprising how the same picture can look totally different on different parts of the body. For instance, this tattoo wouldn't have anywhere near the same impact on, like, somebody's back:



Even an inch or two can make a difference. The dude was thrilled with this tattoo, but I'm thinking it's slightly off-center. I've got to buy a ruler one of these days.



Last, make sure you clear everything with the customer, because the last thing you want is an unhappy surprise. I violated this rule only once, when I had, like, a total flash of genius and knew the chick would be thrilled. She was this really cool college student, and she wanted a monkey on the small of her back. I said, wait, babe -- I got an idea. I got into this field to express myself as an artist, and I really feel like we can create something amazing here. She bit her lip and nodded, showing the most important thing a customer can bring to the job:

Trust.