Really? Do we need to tell people who just got married that they're the same sex as their spouse? Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure they know. They don't really need an announcement from you recapping what they did. They didn't exactly look under the covers on their wedding night and say, "Holy God, what the fuck is that?"

Meanwhile, what do giraffes have to do with same-sex marriage? Are they all gay? Or are they the only animals that exist in that middle ground between butch and effeminate? You know, they're not bears or panthers, but they're also not flamingos or poodles. Yeah, they're the gay equivalent of the animal world.

All this adds up to a simple fact: I'm not going to open this asshole card. Because what's the message inside going to be? "These giraffes are messed up and so are you"? "These small-dicked creatures can't tell who's male and who's female. Is that your excuse?"

Anyway, I'm not planning on getting same-sex married, but if I do, don't send me this card. Because I would send you a note back that says this:

Thank you for the card. All my best to your moderately attractive family.

Still, I breathlessly await these additions to the Painfully Obvious line of greeting cards:

Get Well Soon From That Affliction That You've Got

and

Congrats On The New Baby That Came Out Of Your Uterus