I caught a sneak preview of Crazy, Stupid, Love, and I have to say it was terrific. There was sound and color and motion and I learned so much about women from the film.

(1) Women are totally interchangeable sex objects who spout inanities before they take off their clothes.

(2) Deep down, women just aren't interesting, so they're smart to stay in the kitchen or other places where guys aren't having fun.

(3) Women are turned on by honesty. Really, this was the funniest bit. See, Steve Carell isn't used to dating, so he doesn't know that dudes are supposed to lie to chicks. He tells Marisa Tomei exactly what he thinks -- and she loves it! Honesty is to her like gigantic tits are to men. Really, the way she squeals and shudders in response to anything correct it's like it directly stimulates her clitoris. It's hysterical. You think Steve Carell is being stupid, and he's going to drive her away, but to the contrary! Marisa can't control herself in the face of honesty. He says stuff like "My wife will shit a brick when she finds out I fucked you!" and "Christ, your butt is the size of a tractor-trailer!" and "New Tide with Zout gets tough stains out!" and before he knows it she's grinding on top of him.

Sure, it seems pretty crazy, but it makes total sense. Because as the feminist movement has told us, women are tired of being lied to. They appreciate honesty. And this film has apparently realized it's a fail-safe method to get a chick in the sack.

Anyway, have a good weekend. I think mine's gonna be off the hook. There's a chick outside gathering signatures for PETA and I'm pretty sure if I tell her granola bars look like turds to me she'll blow me right on the spot.