Could You Write Country Music For a Living?

The band Rascal Flatts just released "an emotional tribute" to Caylee Anthony called "She's Going Places," and it's shooting straight up the country music charts. "Do they have some bizarre God-given musical talent?" you ask. "Did they sell their souls to Satan in exchange for superlative songwriting skills?" I say no! I say anybody can write a hit country tune, provided they know the rules:

1. Write about white people.
2. Write about America.
3. Wildly careen from happy to sad.
4. Make sure to include God!

In fact, I'll prove it to you. Set the timer: you have four minutes to write a hit country song about Caylee Anthony entitled "She's Going Places." I'm thinking Rascal Flatts probably whipped theirs out in under three minutes, but hey, they're pros.

Okay, time's up. Here's my entry:

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For nine long months this pretty white girl
made her plump white mommy sigh.
But then she was born and she became
the apple of her white daddy's eye.

She's going places, this pretty white girl
she's got a great future ahead.
She's going places, this pretty white girl
that's what everybody said.

Though her brain stem wasn't developed
her personality rang like an alarm.
She definitely would have waved the old red, white and blue
if she'd had muscles in her little white arm.

She's going places, this pretty white girl
she's got a great future ahead.
She's going places, this pretty white girl
that's what everybody said.

But one day she stopped tickling her Elmo;
her Barbie laid like a dead trout.
The courts couldn't decide what happened,
but maybe Nancy Grace will find out.

She's going places, this pretty white girl
she's got a great future ahead.
"She's going straight into my big white arms!"
our white male God just said.

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So, whaddaya think? Thanks! Where's your song? What? You don't have little Caylee going to heaven? Look, it's called "She's Going Places" -- what'd you think, she's going to Disneyland?

Oh.

Well, you're not necessarily doomed to minimum-wage employment. Look for my forthcoming piece called, "Yo Yo Yo Could I Write A Hit Rap Song?" next time I'm in the hizzouse.