Simon Doonan's forthcoming diet book Gay Men Don't Get Fat provides Gawker with the opportunity to ruminate on the sad facts of gay life. While the rest of the world exercises and watches their diet to remain healthy and attractive, they note, gay men have to stay fit because otherwise nobody will fuck them.

Yes, it's hope that keeps straights in shape, but fear that keeps us lifting. We don't want to die alone! Heterosexual dudes don't even have to exercise: they can score with chicks if they have good jobs or lots of cash. Homos don't have that option, though. We're not putting up with flabby guys for nothing. That's why David Geffen just can't get a date.

Adding insult to injury, we not only have to be in shape, we have to look like a certain type. Since like attracts like, we have to turn ourselves into what turns us on. "If you want to bed muscles you have to have muscles," Gawker notes. "[I]f you want to land a twink, you better be a twink (or at least some other type that is easily cast in any gay porn movie)."

Have truer words ever been spoken? Gay fascism is truly ridiculous, and it's impacted my life to an incredible degree. Luckily after years of pain and heartache I finally managed to physically transform myself into an air conditioner repairman.

Seemingly contradicting every word that's come before, Gawker then runs off onto a tangent with a discussion of bears. They're "gay men who are hairier and chubbier than average," a phrase that instantly turns every previous word into utter nonsense. Bears are assholes, nonetheless, so it'd be remiss to leave them out of an attack on gays. Because the truth is they're fascists too, but instead of workouts they demand you eat barbecue and drink beer. And if you aren't either smooth and in shape or hairy and chubby they won't even look at you! Even they are sentenced to gym memberships out of fear of loneliness, but presumably they bring food because otherwise I can't explain all that chubbiness.

In the end, Gawker paints a sad picture about how gay men are doomed by fate to stay fit and hot. As for Mr. Doonan's book, well, it's not going to do anybody any favors. If heterosexuals read it and follow his advice, they too will be doomed to be hairy or smooth or skinny or chubby or counting calories or guzzling beer. And once that starts they'll have to turn into porn movie clichés too, which means it's lucky they already look like pizza delivery guys to me.