Glenn Beck went to Bryant Park Monday night for a showing of Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps. But that was not the only showing he saw.

"It was a hostile situation," Beck described of his family's movie night; his wife, Tanya, had wine "kicked intentionally on to her back," leaving her "completely wet," he said on his radio show Tuesday morning. He further said that his wife and daughter were greeted by a man pointing his fingers and yelling "We hate conservatives here!" when they got up to use the restroom.

Dear Mr. Beck:

I am sincerely sorry about the horrible incident Monday night. The behavior of a few assorted liberals was inexcusable.

I know Republicans value bullying as an important method to curb unwanted behavior, so the crowd should have gone much further than one measly little comment and a little bit of spilled Merlot.

I am sorry that everyone totally ignored your massive white heft, your nonexistent chin, and your little piggy eyes. I sit here unable to believe that when you appeared the entire crowd didn't oink.

Please forgive those pitiful liberals for not spreading mustard on your leg, pretending to mistake it for a ham hock. And it was surely an oversight that nobody pretended that your pasty chubbiness was a giant sausage and attempted to wrest you onto their barbecue grill.

At the very least, somebody could at least have pushed your face into some potato salad saying you're so cold and sour they thought you were a pickle. Had I been there, I'd definitely have pointed at your hair and asked for details about the next Lesbian Nun Convention. And I regret that nobody said you cry so much they thought the film was Three Men and a Baby.

But no. So many learning opportunities lost. Well, once again, my sincere apologies. And I hope to see you at next week's film.

RomanHans