Every day there's another anguished letter in the newspaper. "What am I supposed to tell my children when they find out Heather has two mommies?" "How do I explain to my kids that Mike next door is now Mitzi?"

What am I supposed to tell my children about all these people wondering what to tell their children? How do I break it to them that some parents are morons?

I mean, I don't care if parents are utterly clueness in their privacy of their own homes. But when they're clueless in public, well, it's time to draw the line. It causes problems within my own family, which clearly means they have to stop. It would be thoughtless and irresponsible of them to continue questioning parental wisdom where impressionable children may witness it.

Indeed, the damage has already been done to my little Holden. "What's up with all the mommys and daddys who don't know what to tell their kids?" he asked me as I tucked him in last night. "Are you not going to know what to tell me next?"

I swear, I had to wipe away a tear when I heard this. He's never doubted his father's infallibility before.

Later, as I drank scotch and watched porn, I pondered the matter. I didn't know if I should tell little Holden that parents get confused sometimes, or that these folks are obviously idiots to write to a newspaper for advice, because professional family counselors would clearly offer more insight than the folks who bring us Hagar the Horrible. But mostly I felt angry that I'd been forced to explain something to someone.

In the end, I think the solution is obvious. Any behavior that makes us wonder what to tell our children needs to be curbed immediately, even if that behavior is writing letters wondering what to tell our children. As for those questions, hell, "Why is Uncle Al wearing makeup?" was a walk in the park next to "Why do some daddys put their thingies in women?", but maybe some parents have a lot of explaining to do and absolutely no time to think.