People keep asking me, "Roman, what's up with Dr. Phil's sons? Jay married a Playboy centerfold who, photographed next to her identical triplet sisters wearing just high heels, looked like an incestuous lesbian, and Jordan is apparently dating that Playmate who moved in with Hugh Hefner two weeks after she met him and nearly fucked her way to a fortune."

Speaking personally, I think these kids are to be admired, and though I'm not really a Dr. Phil fan I have to give him his props. Obviously it's his strong moral code that led him to raise sons who wisely have to see their cows naked before they even think about buying milk.

Obviously the young Christian apples don't fall far from the family-values tree. I mean, Dr. Phil is the guy whose wife sits and watches him while he's at work, patiently waiting for him to finish. She smiles blankly until finally he walks over, grasps her arm and helps her brittle female bones get home. That's chivalry for you! Heck, the only way Mrs. Phil could be more traditional is if she accused a nearby Latino of stealing her jewelry.

When it comes down to it, Playboy pretty much represents the average American man. It exists solely for sex, though it's interested in sports and dirty jokes too, and it had its first fling with a black chick in the 1970s. While Playmates might just seem like sex objects, they have a lot more to offer. Jay's wife Erica Dahm, for instance, is an actress who's appeared in a Pauly Shore film. I haven't seen it, but I'm guessing she looked just swell in her swimsuit. Jordan's girlfriend can look pretty naked and play the guitar, so fuck you, Paul Simon!

In the end, I applaud Dr. Phil's sons for clinging steadfastly to their family values and coupling with Playboy Playmates. Let's face it: Playboy Playmates are America. They wouldn't even think about screwing people if there just weren't so much goddamn cash involved.