Art

It's surprisingly easy.

• Take a photo of your genitals and make a slide of it.
• Buy a battery-operated slide projector.
• Find a church with a copy of Velazquez's "Crucifixion."
• Project your genitals onto Jesus.

Thus turning this:


into this:


I guess there's a point to it. When I looked at the photo, I thought "Whoa! That's one holy sceptre!" which may be the artist's intent. I mean, if Jesus were consistently pictured naked, we probably wouldn't notice it. I've seen Michelangelo's David so many times I can hardly remember which ball is droopier.

Maybe the artist wants to portray the scene with more historical accuracy, because the whole towel thing is kind of odd. Think about what kind of day Jesus had, carrying the cross up the hill, getting whipped and all that. And the towel never fell off? I could wrap myself eight layers deep and the second I answer the door mine goes floorward, which is probably why nobody's tried to sell me cookies in twenty years.