Ten thousand B. C. isn't quite as much fun. The dinosaurs have died off, so there isn't much to hunt: antelopes, sheep, a wandering band of wooly mammoths that all look exactly alike. There's no farming yet, and only crude tools. When making a film set in this period, there isn't much difference when the cameras are turned on. All anybody does is stand around and chat, pausing occasionally to darken their eyeliner or slap on another Crest White Strip.
About eight hours into the movie, while our ragtag tribe lurches about aimlessly, you start to wish the filmmakers had set it in a better time. If this were 4,000 B. C., we could see them forge weapons out of bronze. If this were 3,000 B. C., we could watch Sumerians invent cuneiform. But no, it's too late to choose, so we're stuck with dudes who makes the folks on "Big Brother" look ambitious. "Historically this is a difficult period," one character admits. "We must transition from hunter to gatherer, but unfortunately seeds haven't been invented yet."
"On the surface we may look quite placid," another character replies, "but it can be quite stressful switching to an agrarian way of life."
If I were to write a tagline for the film, in fact, it'd be something like, "Watch a band of primitive peoples struggle to survive in yurts scattered along the Siberian foothills." Which pretty much explains why this summer blockbuster is being released on March 7.
On the plus side, these folks have a rudimentary language. While caveman movies are undeniably exciting, character development can suffer when the dialogue consists of lines like "Ooga booga!" Here, words are plucked out of the air like it's all a big game of Scrabble. They know the word "circle," though the wheel hasn't been invented yet. Boats are called "big birds that fly across water." Snow is called "white rain," and rain is called "water that falls from the heavens."
This was before logic was invented, you realize.
D'Leh's father left the tribe long ago. He went off to find food, but told everyone he was deserting because he didn't want them all to follow him. Right. Like he'd hear "I shall accompany you through dangerous, uncharted territories" more than "Bring me back a burger and a shake." When Egyptians kidnap most of the tribe, D'Leh sees a chance to prove his courage. He takes all the men that are left and pursues them. The farewells are tearful, as the women are too polite to say, "What the hell are we supposed to live on -- peanut butter cups?"
D'Leh and his band follow the marauders for many moons through the desert. With no food or water, they're slowly roasted by the unrelenting sun. "AIEEE!" one man finally screams. "I cannot go on! URKKK!" He clutches at his parched throat and collapses in the sand.
The others exchange glances. "Lucky it's just him!" they say, and they stroll on.
If CGI costs a million dollars a minute, there's roughly a million dollars worth of thrills. They run into some giant turkeys that escaped from Jurassic Park. A saber-toothed tiger appears for about as long as Robin Williams is in the "I F***ed Ben Affleck" video. And eventually they reach Egypt, where big-nosed bad guys are fought.
I'm not saying the ending is crap, but here's the same writer's conclusion to King Kong:
The beast is buffeted by endless rounds of bullets, until he just can't take any more. His furry grip loosens on the Empire State Building and with one last glance of resignation he plummets toward earth.
NARRATOR: Suddenly, just seconds before Kong hits the ground, gravity stops. No one knows if it got tired, or somebody finally figured out a way to repeal this ancient law. Whatever the reason, Kong was certainly happy about it.
KING KONG (confused): Rowr? Rowr!
NARRATOR: Discovering he now has the ability to fly, he flaps his mammoth paws back to his homeland where he finds a deck chair and a Corona waiting just for him.
KING KONG (giving a thumbs-up): Rowr!-- FIN --
Still, it's been educational. I've seen what happens when good food is scarce. I've learned how to adapt to an ever-changing climate. And I've witnessed first-hand the chattering of an unwashed, uneducated people whose vocabularies consist of a few dozen words.
After they checked their cellphones for the eightieth time, though, I resolved to wait another few thousand years before I went to see another film in New York.
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