Ben Stein's Money

Years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, the New York Times had a few good writers. Along with the Brontosauri and the T. Rei, they've hit the road, and now most of the paper's articles leave the reader shaking his head and wondering, "Why is this in print?" Their favorite columnists seem particularly short on qualifications and even shorter on shareable knowledge. With each new piece their lack of talent becomes more glaring, until the curious reader takes it upon himself to find out what prompted this "journalist"'s promotion to the big leagues.

Alex Kuczynski was an attractive, upper-class blonde who married a billionaire, winning herself a few fans at the Times. When she became an aging blonde desperate to preserve her last vestiges of youth by almost daily plastic surgeries, she won over the rest of the crowd. Now she's the paper's go-to girl for insight into keeping unsightly wrinkles from driving that rich man away.

Harry Hurt III's father owned an oil company, which may have played a role in his decision to become a professional golfer. One day Harry decided he'd bumped elbows with enough rich people to write a book about them, and he did. Today his work for the Times Business section centers around how to get a close shave and where to find a good cigar.

And then there's Ben Stein. I'll give Mr. Stein one small token of admiration. He parlayed a lack of personality into worldwide fame as everybody's favorite boring teacher, turning up in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and various school-based commercials. Obviously this kind of self-exploitation isn't easy, though Paris Hilton has left him far in the dust.

Like the previous two columnists, though, he had rich parents and a privileged upbringing, leading one to realize that a disproportionate percentage of the Times' column inches are written by billionaires, the girlfriends/wives of billionaires, or their more distant relatives. And suddenly one realizes why the paper devotes so much energy to finding, say, the perfect cummerbund.

Writing for the Business section, Mr. Stein's thoughts can be summed up in one line: "Is this a great country or what?" This pronouncement can have some weight coming from a self-made man, but not when Mom and Dad gave the dude that huge honking pile of cash. As a businessman Stein ranks with Donald Trump, who offers Learning Annex classes on how to grow rich without saying Rule #1 is Get Yourself Wealthy Folks.

Given his family history, perhaps it's understandable that Stein is optimistic: he's never experienced anything BAD. At some point, however, he turned into Pollyanna. Week after week he wanders up to a corner of a crumbling room and declares, "Oooh, isn't this wallpaper gorgeous?" This week Ben declared categorically that the U. S. isn't in a recession. Rather than basing this opinion on the markets or trade deficits, though, it's the very picture of hair-splitting. The definition of a recession, he says, is two or more sequential quarters of downward growth. We don't know if a quarter has positive or negative growth until it's over, so in fact we can never actually be in a recession. Q. E. D. we aren't in a recession now.

Mr. Stein goes on to be horrified -- simplify horrified! -- that all these people are declaring that the U. S. is in a recession when by definition we can't be. Are they morons? Do they know nothing of economics? Don't they have DICTIONARIES? It's sad that the brilliant minds of this world have to be saddled with such maroons.

It's an interesting argument, for about a millionth of a second. But then you realize Warren Buffett, a man with a bit more money than Mr. Stein, says we ARE in a recession, and you start to think that something is seriously wrong.

Here's what's wrong: Mr. Stein is an idiot. He's a cheerleader, like Our Esteemed President, who think it's more important to obscure the truth than to acknowledge it. I'll clear it up for Jimmy Kimmel's ex-sidekick: when someone says America is in a recession, here's what they really mean:

"I think America is currently in one of those negative-growth quarters that is either following or will precede another negative-growth quarter, and the sum of the two quarters together will be judged, after that period is over, to be a recessionary time."

Gosh, you think, why don't folks just come out and say that, instead of "I think we're in a recession"? It's just laziness, isn't it? I mean, it just takes eighty or ninety more words to torture your thoughts to fit the dictionary definition. Now you're not concise or succinct but you're correct. Don't listen to all those folks who say, "What the hell is he talking about?" There's a dual English/Economics major somewhere who'll jump out of his leather club chair and shout "Bravo!"

In short, it's your typical column from Mr. Stein. He jabs at those negative folks who say America is in a recession. He sniffs at those folks negative enough to ask the question.

Because in Mr. Stein's world, it's the words that are important.

When you've got that much cash, it'll take care of itself.

Recession? SHUT UP!!!