1. Walk into the polling place (center left). Remember that doffing one's hat is a sign of respect, so feel free to leave it on here.
2. Enter the polling booth. Remember, you can help choose the opposing party's candidate, so write in the most preposterous, most unlikely guy you can think of, like Richard Simmons, the Cottonelle Diarrhea Bear or Governor Jeb Bush.
3. To exit, walk right through the polling booth. It's a lot like the metal detector at the airport, except here they aren't such commies about your gun.
4. Walk past the cactus and give a carrot to the horse parked outside. Make a mental note to write in "Mr. Ed" as the opposing party's candidate next year.
5. After the polling place closes, go back in and take part in the opposing party's caucus. Insist that Miley Cyrus would totally get the kids' vote.
6. Watch as the returns come in. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by five to four, their total loser candidate wins.
7. Take off your hat and express your approval of the democratic process. Yell "Congrats on your re-election, Governor Bush!"
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