I'm pissed. Being dirt poor, I rely on family, friends and people unembarrassed by freeloaders for most of my fun in my life. Also I always keep an eye out for contests involving travel, because that's the only way I can afford to leave my house.

When "The Boulders" -- some high fallutin' Arizona resort -- announced a Cactus Naming Contest, then, I gave it weeks and weeks of thought. I memorized those prickly little guys, scouring every corner of my brain for an appropriate name. When I finally sent in my entry, I thought I had it sewn up. A few weeks later, though, they announced the winners, and my name wasn't on the list.

Within seconds my disappointment gave way to disbelief. Here's one of the cactuses they named:



The winning entry? Applause. My entry? Clap On. Give it to me straight: which is the better name? Any encouragement whatsoever and I'm going to tell them to suck on this guy:





Applause to "As the World Turns" for showing the world what gay relationships are really like. There's that initial attraction, tentative displays of affection, negotiating intimacy, and then Cyndi Lauper shows up.





According to a new study, men and women feel very differently after taking part in one-night stands. The next morning, most women express regret. Most men think their partner looked a lot hotter when they were drunk. Read all about it in this month's Journal of the Totally Obvious.