I've procrastinated long enough. Now there are two -- yes, two -- thinly-veiled double-entendre ditties in Billboard's Top Ten regarding lollipops. As an aspiring songwriter, I think it's about time I turned my talents toward that milieu.

You're a hot little tramp so I'll give you a treat
from my little candy store on Fellatio Street.
You can suck this confection from Frisco to Salinas --
Guess you know that I'm talking 'bout my penis.

Lollipop, lollipop, finest on earth,
what it lacks in length it makes up in girth.

Won't get no sugar high when you're suckin' my sweet,
won't kill your appetite with my yummy treat.
Jawbreakers are great but if you want some more skin,
I got an all-day sucker with extra foreskin.

Lollipop, lollipop, hot wings and fries,
Yup, my treat ain't circumsized.

It's sweet as honey and it won't rot your teeth;
pull off the wrapper and suck what's underneath.
Suck that thing from New York to Dayton
like a chocolatey Snickers ejaculatin'.

Lollipop, lollipop, better move in quick;
Leave a mess on the floor before you even get a lick.

It don't melt in your hand like all those limp ones,
but if it melts in your mouth you'll get flu-like symptoms.
Get your lips all frothy like you got rabies;
if it touches your cooch you'll have Sugar Babies.

Lollipop, lollipop, creamy fillin',
my next store will sell penicillin.

Lollipop, Lollipop^© 2008 Roman Arnold Hans
For local or worldwide rights contact Frederick Yates LLP, Stamford, CT