Friday, July 18, 2008

Rapper 50 Cent's fans are outraged now that the results of a court-ordered drug test have been released.

As part of an agreement forged during custody hearings for his 11-year-old son Marquise, the rapper born Curtis Jackson reluctantly agreed to undergo urinalysis. On Friday morning the court announced the results of the test, and now his fans are beside themselves.

"I'm just in a total state of shock," a fan who called himself Chaco X declared. "This dude is supposed to be a role model for our children. Now how are we supposed to look up to him? He goes on and on like he's this hot shit, and now you tell me he's clean?"

Self-described "ex"-fan Marmaduke DeSantes agrees. "He's a hypocrite, plain and simple. How are we supposed to believe all those stories about getting shitfaced on weed and beans when we find out he's not on any of that shit? Next we'll find out he plays golf every Friday with, like, Ty Pennington."

Some of his supporters expressed disbelief. "There's gotta be something wrong," long-time fan Heather Anstruther declared. "Maybe he fixed it. Maybe he swapped his wizz with, like, some kinda Mormon or something. There's no way my man ain't using some kinda shit."

But others declared zero tolerance. "Are you kidding me?" Johntaysia Morales of the Bronx asked after hearing the news. "He ain't on anything? No PineSol, no Mentholatum, no AquaNet? Oh, man -- that's it. I'm gonna start listening to Lil Wayne."

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