A Belated Tribute to Mom

Every year around this time websites in need of publicity like to reassure mothers that they're productive members of society. Now, that's sure nice, but it sets a dangerous precedent: I mean, if they're going to start lying, where exactly will they stop?

The articles break down a mother's daily chores and calculate what professionals would charge to do the work. MomConnection and the New York Daily News figured mothers are worth nearly $70,000 a year, with a 47.5 hour work week. Some of their figures are a little spotty, though. Mom spends 3 1/2 hours running errands, which they claim is like a "paid shopper" who earns $21 an hour. She cooks for 1 1/2 hours a day so they make her a "head chef" deserving $42.52 an hour.

Oh, puh-leeze. Mom is a "head chef"? News flash: Head chefs don't call local restaurants for take out. Head chefs don't make macaroni and cheese from a box. Everyone at the table can order a different meal from a head chef and they won't yell "You'll eat it and you'll like it!" at you.

Salary.com is even more questionable, saying Mom would earn $117,000 a year. Over half of their claimed 94.4 hour work week gets overtime pay, which makes sense: I mean, if you're going to make up a paycheck, you might as well make it a union job.

They've got Mom functioning as everything from a computer operator to a CEO to an RN. Uh, no offense guys, but real nurses don't heal wounds by wiping kleenexes full of spit across them. And by the way -- mom plays the radio in the SUV. Why not make her a DJ too?

Oddly, amidst all these accounts, nobody's done the calculations for all the part-time jobs Dad does. Something tells me that, as usual, the man's gonna make a little more.

Job Title	Yearly Salary
Garbage collector	$3,280
Plumber	$7,320
Mechanic	$11,900
Sperm donor	$17,460
Comedian	$25,810
Bartender	$36,190
Grillmaster	$52,600
Intrauterine Fertilization Specialist	$63,400
Sports Commentator	$84,000
Sex Slave to a Woman with Saggy Boobs and Stretch Marks	Priceless