A first lady who fucks married men.
American first ladies have always been so hoity-toity. Me, I'm sick of hearing their lectures: We should read more. We should do volunteer work. We should eat green crap that just, like, grows out of the freakin' ground. It's insulting. They're so inaccessible and condescending.
It gives the world a sanitized, whitewashed version of America. It almost sounds like we're ashamed of what our women do when they're horny and they drank four Cape Cods.
I think it's time we loosened up and got a first lady who fucks married men.
There are millions of women in America who fuck married men, and until now they haven't been given a voice. If you're constantly battling your weight, you can cite Oprah for your role model. If you're trying to get off drugs, use Robert Downey Jr. as an inspiration. But what about the chicks who hang around late at the office hoping some dude will get horny? Who are they supposed to rally behind?
With Callista Gingrich, we'd get a real, red-blooded woman. Hell, she wouldn't be afraid of turning up at society events with glassy eyes and hay in her disheveled hair, spouting stuff like, "Okay, so I might have kissed the chauffeur! You got a fuckin' problem with that?"
Besides, the whole story of how Newt overcame his first two loveless marriages by surreptitiously fucking is so romantic. Harlequin books can't hold a candle to that story. I'm picturing Newt and Callista meeting in a cowboy bar just outside Durango, Texas:
CALLISTA: "Hey, sugar dumpling. What's a handsome man like you doin' hiding back here in the dark?"
NEWT: "Well, lover, maybe I'm waiting for a beautiful young lady like you."
[CALLISTA's eyes appraise NEWT's body, from the brand-new, hand-tooled beige cowboy hat to the matching cowboy boots.]
CALLISTA: "Sweetie, you wouldn't be married now, would you?"
NEWT: "Darlin', I'm sorry to say I am."
CALLISTA: "Well, sugar lips, I guess that's okay." [PAUSE] "She ain't here, is she?"
Like Newt tore off Callista's denim culottes later that evening, America needs to throw off the shackles of its tired old values. I'm sick of us lagging behind all the other countries. We don't manufacture anything. We don't have universal health care. Our presidents have fooled around, but our first ladies have always been untouchable. With Newt, I'm thinking sessions of Congress would start with everybody putting their keys in a bowl.
Sure, you old-fashioned patriots can keep waving that flag if you want, but I've got a grander view than that. I challenge American voters to show our true pioneer spirit by seating a straight-shooting, 21st-century woman among the pantheon of great American first ladies, with her own personal slogan that'll long echo in our hearts:
NANCY: "Just say no to drugs."
LADY BIRD: "Plant a tree, a shrub, or a bush."
CALLISTA: "When I got a zing in mah thing, I ain't checkin' for no ring!"
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