Movie studios spend millions of dollars trying to create the perfect movie poster to attract the biggest possible audience. With The Hangover 2, it's easy to see what the studio bigwigs have decided are the movie's main draws.

The monkey symbolizes madcap fun, so he's front and center. He'll draw in all the male fans, ages eight to eighty. Just below him, literally, is the enjoyable but primarily hunky Bradley Cooper, who'll draw in all the chicks. In the background there's Ed Helms, with his broad, sloppy comedy, and Zach Galifianakis offering edgy craziness. Add them all together and you've got something for everyone.

Sometimes, though, a studio will make different posters to appeal to different demographics. Red states want more car chases, for instance, while blue states want more thought. With The Hangover 2, Warner Bros. made a special poster for New York that, as extensive focus testing proved, gives us exactly what we want.


Ed Helms' hairy leg and his sweet, sweet off-white man pouch.

You see this poster in the subway and your eye knows exactly where to go: off to the side where, larger than life, there's a vast expanse of naked man-flesh. Stare at it. Appreciate it. Get your eyes accustomed to the darkness and prepare for unexpected rewards. Slowly you piece together a puzzle: some graphic artist has pretzeled Ed into a sexual Kama Sutra where he's sitting on the floor but somehow you can still see his soft white Jockeys highlighting the entire length of his ass crack.

That's it: you're hooked. You imagine your tongue drawing a teasing line down the whiskered flesh, sucking the salty juice off his sweaty skin, when you notice it.

Wait. Is it. . . ? Could it be?

My lord, it's the succulent bulge of his studly saddlebags. Be still, my beating heart. Finally, a movie about the dusky whorls of a man's hidden caverns for the people who adore them!

What's that? Yeah, there's a monkey and a couple other dudes in it too.

Of course, all this can be seen as a con. How can a movie that's madcap in most of America be a gay sexfest in New York? The short answer: It can't be. The studio is trying to trick you into thinking they've got something you want, whether you like to see koala bears vomit or straight dudes passed out drunk in translucent underwear.

It's offensive, it's patronizing, and nobody with a brain should fall for it.

But hey. Fingers crossed. See you at the movies!