Mark Zuckerberg has begun personally slaying animals for food, part of a resolution to fully appreciate the meat he eats. The Facebook CEO's slaughter has been wide ranging, claiming a goat, pig, chicken and a lobster.

"He cut the throat of the goat with a knife, " Zuckerberg pal Jesse Cool told Fortune, "which is the most kind way to do it."

Dear Mark Zuckerberg:

Slicing something's throat isn't the kindest way to kill it. In fact, it's not even close. Here are some far kinder methods, just off the top of my head:

• Hide some Valium in its dinner, then smother it while it's asleep.


• Slowly replace the air in the bar with nitrogen, then smother it while it's asleep.


• Let it read the status updates of my Facebook friends, then smother it while it's asleep.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans