I don't believe in God based on evidence. Really, would an all-knowing, omnipotent being create pigeons? Palm trees? Eyebrows? There's absolutely zero design skill demonstrated in any of those, and no reason for them to exist.

I don't believe in Saturday's Rapture for similar reasons. Harold Camping, an 89-year-old white guy, calculated the date from the Bible, since it's allegedly 7,000 years after the Noah's Ark flood. One God-day equals a thousand years, and apparently God intended the whole earth experiment to only last one of his weeks.

Which, you know, is fine, except for one small snag. What about the gays?

Gays are the main reason God is destroying the world, just like he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. But if the end date was hard-coded in the Bible, how can we be responsible? For this scenario to work, the Bible would have to provide homo- and no-homo dates. Like, "The Lord Thou Goddest knows his people doth sin, and eventually he shall punish you. But if you guys parade around in studded leather jockstraps, say adios before Thor comes out on DVD!"

Plus, what kind of God would destroy a whole planet when just ten percent of the population pisses him off? Why would he decimate Kiritimati Island, a Pacific Ocean atoll? I don't know about you, but I haven't heard about any huge gay pride celebrations on Kiritimati. Which makes God sound like my 6th grade math teacher, Dr. Doctor. Sometimes somebody would shoot a spitball when his back was turned, and the entire class would get sent to detention. It hardly seems fair, because the poor folks on Kiritimati probably haven't even heard of Depeche Mode.

It's the time zone thing that convinces me that Mr. Camping is nuts. God is flattening the world at 6 p.m. local time, which means he's doing it in 24 separate steps. According to time zone maps, Kiritimati Island goes first. But time zones are artificial lines drawn across a map by politicians, so there's no reason for God to follow them. He might as well kill us by Congressional district. I'm picturing odd little interactions: like, A Utah man is hit by a thunderbolt while his martini-sipping Nevada counterpart snaps pictures from the safety of another time zone. "Wow," the Nevada man says, "it sure sucks to be you!"

"Yeah?" the Utah man says as his mouth turns to salt. "Just wait 59 minutes, asshole!"

Eighteen hours after Kiritimati Island goes, the U. S. will follow suit. It'll happen in five stages, by time zone, from New York to Alaska. In fact, Alaska will be the very last place left on earth, which is my final piece of evidence that this whole theory stinks. No merciful God would let the final words uttered in the history of time be, "I saw the universe go blammo from my house."