Gay English

I flunked English in high school, but it's not my fault. First, the books we were assigned were just plain weird. A raven that communicates telepathically? A man obsessed with a white whale? If I was into crazy I'd read celebrity autobiographies.

And then we got quizzed with incomprehensible questions. "Why did Poe decide to use a raven?" Um, because chickens aren't scary? "Why did Herman Melville write this book?" Because he couldn't make any money masturbating? How the hell was I supposed to know?

Now if they'd tested us on stuff I could relate to, I'd be Truman Capote today. I came up with some examples: see if you're better at answering these vocabulary questions than the ones they gave you in school.


1. "Forget about Tim," Mike says. "Aside from being self-centered, he's in lousy shape. He hasn't even got a six-pack!" What does Mike mean?

a. Tim has very little beer.
b. You can't see Tim's abdominal muscles.
c. You know, if we're voting I'd take a Big Gulp over a six-pack any day.

2. Fred meets the hottest guy at this new club, and they're all set to leave together when the guy announces that he's into shrimping. What should Fred do?

a. Go for it! I'm an die-hard clammer myself.
b. Get a pedicure.
c. He needs to stay away from that crap or he's going to end up with one "Red Lobster."

3. "Wayne and I had a great time," Simon tells his friend Raoul. "But when I woke up this morning I had a splitting headache and a mouthful of head cheese." What do you think this means?

a. Wayne is hygienically-challenged downstairs.
b. This is why friends don't send friends Hickory Farms.
c. There's someone in the world I want to kiss less than my grandma.

4. "George Clooney, Sean Connery, Harrison Ford," Wayne ticks off on his fingers. "Every handsome man in Hollywood has had a hummer." What is Wayne telling us?

a. That many desirable men own flashy all-terrain vehicles originally designed for military use.
b. That lots of famous people have kept tiny, hyperactive birds as pets.
c. That maybe the night I spent with the three of them wasn't just a wonderful dream.

5. You meet someone new and just as things are heating up he tells you he's Greek active. How do you react?

a. I don't care as long as he doesn't smash my plates.
b. I'd head for the hills. Last time I met one of them I ended up with a platter of baklava.
c. Did you know that Greece is home to a long line of seamen?

6. "That was close," Barry gasps, dodging a speeding baseball. "That thing was headed straight for the family jewels." What is Barry trying to say?

a. The baseball nearly hit him in the gonads.
b. The ball's trajectory intersected with a small, velvet-lined box containing Barry's rings, bracelets and brooches.
c. Hang on: I'm trying to picture Ivana Trump with some of these dangling around her neck.

7. After class, my sociology professor took me aside. "Hey, Bob," he said, "did you get wind of my giant endowment?" What's professor talking about?

a. Someone's made a generous donation to the school.
b. Bob finally found a good "Hoss" for his Bonanza fantasy.
c. See, this is why I never sit in the front of the class.

8. Halfway through their first date Pete is surprised to catch Harvey in his bathroom spanking the monkey. What‘s Harvey doing?

a. I have no idea, but I've already called PETA.
b. What every guy does when he's alone, after checking to see if wrestling is on TV.
c. I've found a timeout works perfectly well to get Mr. Muggs in line.

9. "That dike is cracked," Olaf says. "She's dangerous, and if she breaks she'll destroy everything in her path." What could Olaf be referring to?

a. A crumbling dam that holds back a mighty river
b. part of a car's engine
c. Sandra Bernhard

10. "Captain Cork," says the able-bodied First Officer Mr. Cock, "while the trajectory looks clear to the naked eye, sensors show Klingons around Uranus." What do we learn from this?

a. That a hostile life form is lurking near one of earth's outer planets.
b. That Vulcans are clueless about double-entendres.
c. To avoid movies called "Star Trick -- the Next Penetration."

11. James is answering a personal ad. "I'm easy on the eyes," he writes, "and I've got low hangers." What does James mean?

a. He's reasonably attractive and he owns several dimunitive buildings where you can park aircraft.
b. He shouldn't cross his legs when he's wearing shorts.
c. If you introduce him to your mom you'd better stick with "nice."

12. "I just saw the weirdest thing," Steve exclaims to Paul. "I swear there was something nibbling on my nut sack." What is Steve trying to say?

a. He spotted something moving inside his Calvins.
b. There's a reason those pistachios are at Dollar World.
c. Beats me, but I'm not stopping by his place for "snacks."

13. Carl and his lover are sitting at the kitchen table in their boxer shorts when the mailman comes by. He leers at the men and says, "You know, I'll bet the three of us could make a real hot sandwich." What should Carl think?

a. He should be thrilled. My mailman usually just pesters me for sex.
b. He should consider having a three-way with the guy.
c. Ohhhh. So that was mayo on my copy of "Pistol Packin' Playaz."

14. Steve goes to visit his friend in the hospital. "He's already been released," the receptionist says. "He's downstairs, waiting in discharge." What does this mean?

a. He's sitting in the area of the hospital reserved for exiting patients.
b. He's got the same HMO I've got.
c. Somebody's going to need new shoes.

15. Last night Keith took Tom to a fancy French restaurant. Keith went to the bank beforehand, but paying the waiter he completely blew his wad. What exactly did Keith do?

a. He spent most of his money.
b. He ruined Tom's chances for an enjoyable nightcap.
c. If that was on top of a fifteen percent tip, my name's Roman and I'll be your waiter tonight.



HOW TO SCORE: Think positive, but pad your pants. Thank anyone who says your ass is smokin', but run when they offer to put it out.