"Stardust," the new film starring Claire Danes and Michelle Pfeiffer, is an intelligence test. If at any point during the film you find yourself laughing, enjoying yourself, or feeling anything stronger than a mild diversion, you aren't quite ready for the seventh grade.
"Stardust" isn't the work of a writer: it's a string of hackneyed cliches concocted by a profoundly uncreative, "Harry Potter"-cribbing dentist in between shaping porcelain crowns. It should be viewed only by children, the elderly, or those unfortunate souls whose favorite books include passages like "and then the unicorn burst through the door and scared all the pirates away."
I went to a screening last night, where the movie's massive stupidity was foreshadowed by (I presume) a Paramount rep. Before introducing the film, she announced a contest. "I have a gift certificate for $100 at the Cornelia Cafe," she declared, "for the first person to name four famous people in the film. Raise your hands!"
One by one the hands shot up. The first person called upon was tentative: "Um, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, and. . . . " Paramount Rep counted to ten, then called her for time.
The second contestant didn't fare any better. "Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, and Farfel Garfney," he said, attempting that "forgot the name" mumble one sees on UPN sitcoms. He too was counted wrong.
The third contestant was confident. "Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, and Peter O'Toole," she declared excitedly, sure the gift certificate was hers.
"No!" Paramount Rep answered. "Anybody else?"
Third Contestant was confused. "But Peter O'Toole is in the film, right? Isn't he in the film?" Paramount Rep had moved on, though, so the question went unanswered and Third Contestant confined her mutterering to herself.
"I know!" the fourth contestant said happily. "Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiro, and Sienna Miller," she said.
"That's right!" Paramount Rep declared, handing over the gift certificate. "Sienna Miller."
Third Contestant leapt to her feet. "Peter O'Toole is in the movie, right?" she snapped. "Why didn't I win with Peter O'Toole?"
Paramount Rep smiled smugly. "I said 'famous,' remember?"
Friday, August 10, 2007
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4 comments:
I kinda liked it. . . well, when I wasn't bored off my ass. I think I was entranced by Michelle PFfffifffer's hair tinsel, or something.
Shut up. I used to wish I was a girl so I could decorate EVERYTHING with Lisa Frank.
Stephen Holden wrote a great review for the NY Times. He said it appears De Niro is trying for a Johnny Depp-style tour de force, with the result either "a piece of inspired madcap fun or an excruciating embarrassment."
I'm going with the latter. Actually, this film totally brought out the butch in me: it was all I could do not to stand up in the middle of the screening and yell, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CRAP?"
"and then the unicorn burst through the door and scared all the pirates away."
Laughed. Out. Loud. Plus, see my post on Bewitched.
Your friend,
You know, these stars have so much money one would expect them to do the low-paying indie films ~ just to exercise the real acting muscles.
Thanks for confirming what I expected. The trailer had crap written all over it.
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