Trust Sleepy's for the pest of your life.

All the stereotypes say used car salesmen are the lying bastards of the retail world, but I disagree. Yesterday I bought a mattress at Sleepy's, though, and found mattress retailers put them to shame. They've somehow arranged it so mattresses have different names at different stores, so you can't call around and compare prices. Macy's is the only store with the Sealy Plush Swordplay. Bloomingdale's is the only store with the Pillowtop Tuscany. J. C. Penney's is the only store with the Extra-Firm Back Orgasm. And no one will tell you they're all the same thing.

I've bought mattresses before, so I wasn't surprised to get totally screwed. I expected the bait-and-switch. I expected the runaround, the haggling, the prices that changed like the stock market, and of course, the ridiculous fees. One fee in particular, though, tacked onto my bill with no explanation, struck me as the sine qua non of chutzpah.

Don't want to pay $99.95 to get that mattress delivered today, or $69.95 for later in the week? No prob. Do like I did: strap it to the top of your car and take it home yourself. You'll only get stuck with a $29.99 fee for something called "Cust to load and tie merchandise." Yes, you're being charged nearly thirty dollars to carry your mattress out of the store.