CW = Crackheads & Weasels

I'll admit it: I enter contests. It just takes a second, and sometimes means I'll wake up to happy surprises in my inbox. More often, though, it means a lifetime of problems. Take, for example, "The CW"'s recent "Sex and the City" contest. Now, I have no idea what "The CW" is, since I barely have enough time to watch the few funny sitcoms on television, and CW to me means "country/western." The last thing I want to see on TV is guys in plaid shirts and suspenders sucking on straws of hay.

So, even though I'm not a "Sex and the City" fan, I filled out the form, because I'm the kind of guy who's blinded by the chance at free crap. The form, like most, had a check box reading something like "YES! Email me all you want, and sell my address to penis enlargement spammers as well as folks hawking fake Rolexes and Viagra." I un-checked the box as always, but almost immediately the spam began, offering paltry discounts on "Sex and the City" bus tours.

Yes, I've been ridiculously bored before, but not quite bored enough to pay $36 to eat a cupcake at Magnolia Bakery with a busful of squealing tourists.

I followed the unsubscribe instructions included in the email, and the next day received a reply:

i. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.

webmaster@wpix.com:
Sorry, I wasn't able to establish an SMTP connection. (#4.4.1)
I'm not going to try again; this message has been in the queue too long.

So, "The CW" gets thirty asshole points. Five for spamming me, five for lying and saying I asked for it, and twenty for giving fake unsubscribe options that mean some time verrrry soon I'll get another chance to ride a double-decker bus through the Meatpacking District with happy, chubby folks wearing pastels.