Friday, March 22, 2013

Spunky Little Girl Who Wants To Learn How to Write Computer Games Limits Higher-Level Kickstarter Donations To $63,750

Mackenzie Wilson's story has all the ingredients of a classic drama. A spunky little girl. Two mean older brothers. A supportive mom (I'm picturing Sandra Bullock here). She likes using computers, PS3s and KindleHDs, and desperately wants to learn how to create role-playing games using RPG Maker, a "massively popular RPG development tool [with] an intuitive drag-and-drop interface."

I'm thinking right now the corpse of Anton Chekhov is going, "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that shit!"

Why, it would make perfect sense for this budding feminist to go to sleepaway camp where they teach you how to use the totally intuitive RPG Maker. Too bad her parents can't afford it, maybe because they've bought computers, PS3s, and KindleHDs. What's the solution?


Naturally the story has a happy ending. Mackenzie only wanted $829, but generous souls have already promised nearly $15,000! Doesn't that just warm your heart? She can go to camp and buy another computer. Let's see Rex Reed criticize that.

Sure, the story needs a little editing. Mackenzie sounds a little too calculated spouting the obligatory wisecrack that her mom lies about her age. (Well, it's crap like that that makes those silly eBay sales go viral.) She says she's in third grade and already taller than her teacher, but there's a photo of her riding a Razor Scooter. Forget RPGs: I'm thinking we should raise money to stretch that poor working sap instead.

One place where she's made a serious mistake, though, is limiting the top-level donations. Where's that genius brain now?

Pledge $100 or more: limit 20 people = $2,000
Pledge $250 or more: limit 25 people = $6,250
Pledge $300 or more: limit 10 people = $3,000
Pledge $500 or more: limit 5 people = $2,500
Pledge $10,000 or more: limit 5 people = $50,000

GRAND TOTAL: $63,750

Is that ridiculous? I mean, what if you're the sixth person who wants to give her $500 so she can learn how to use a role-playing game program to write role-playing games? You're out of luck! You've got a Sophie's Choice on your hands: either bump up to the $10,000 level or drop down to the $300 level. If you had $10,000, though, you could raise your own little Kickstarter beggar. And for $300 you don't get the "personalized thank you letter from Mackenzie," because little girls just don't have three minutes and an envelope for anybody who hasn't got five bills.

Still, there's plenty of gifts that accompany the other donations, like hoodies, hats, t-shirts, mouse pads, and beer koozies, all with Mackenzie's own feminist-empowering logos:

Look at all those things a girl can do, though evidently two of them involve asking strangers for money. And look at those arrows pointing up, reminding you that's the direction you should go.

That's it. It's perfect. I'm writing the screenplay as we speak. For the sequel I'm thinking Mom can learn graphic design, so don't put that wallet away.

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