Friday, March 8, 2013

I don't know about you, but I have a real energy problem. I move like a whirlwind -- working, running errands, finding dinner, partying -- but no matter how much forward momentum I get going, I always collapse on my bed at 5:15. Thanks to the incredible new 5-Hour Energy drink, though, dudes like me can accomplish so much more. Just take a look at their commercial:

Look at what this seemingly-average dude accomplished in just five hours. He:

  • played a round of golf
  • read a book while learning how to play guitar
  • wrote a novel
  • taught himself Spanish
  • ran ten miles while knitting a sweater
  • wrote the sequel to his novel
  • jumped out of a plane, and
  • became a ping-pong master while recording his debut album.
Is that incredible? I mean, I realize it's semi-tongue in cheek, but it totally speaks to the ambitions of every man in America. Play guitar! Jump out of a plane! Record an album! Those would totally be on my "To Do" list if I didn't get exhausted folding laundry.

Needless to say, 5-Hour's sales went stratospheric after this commercial came out, so it was inevitable they'd release a female version. It's a cliché that women can't have it all, but it looks like this chick comes pretty freakin' close.

Now that's unbelievable. I mean, what a breathtaking new world this wonder drug has opened up. A hundred years ago your grandmother would have made a sandwich, cleaned up after her children, and then collapsed on the bed in exhaustion. But now, after the Industrial Revolution and women's liberation, a lady can actually vacuum too! I think the seismic shifts in society's attitudes are plainly evident here, because in any previous generation if a woman had successfully achieved such stratospheric goals and then changed a diaper she'd have been burned as a witch.

Is it too much to hope that a third commercial will bring these two fabulously fulfilled people together? I think so, but maybe it's for the best. The woman still needs to Swiffer and double-check her daughter's homework, while dude is trying a double ollie on a Jetski and teaching a chipmunk how to high-five.

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