Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I don't know about you, but I'm really loving the new miniseries The Bible on the History Channel. Mark Burnett has proven himself to be a programming genius with shows like The Apprentice and Survivor, but who knew he could reach back into history for more blockbuster fare?

Killing two birds with one stone, Burnett has also found the perfect acting job for his wife, Roma Downey. Her career had definitely seen better days before she catapulted back into the spotlight as Jesus' mother Mary. Of course, the script had to be tailored just slightly for her, as evidenced by these scenes:

The Anunciation:

ANGEL: I bring good tidings about the impending birth of the Savior of the World! Where is the woman called Mary?

MARY: I am she, kind visitor. What is your news?

ANGEL: Um, whaa? God has described you from on high and verily you look different.

MARY: I am just back from a vacation in the Promised Land. My worries have been erased and I am much relaxed.

ANGEL: Yes. That's definitely it.

The Crucifixion:

MARY: My son! My poor son! Why has your Father forsaken you?

JESUS: Who are you, strange woman?

MARY: Why, Jesus, I am your mother! Do you not recognize me?

JESUS: Aha! Fear not: I recognize thy voice. The lighting is totally bad around here. Mother, are you not touched by what you witness here?

MARY: My son, I am bereft! My heart is full to overflowing with anguish. It just doesn't bubble up to my face.

JESUS: That's what I suspected. Actually, it calms me to see your forehead smooth with peace, your eyebrows raised with hope, your lips plumped by fresh water and dairy products.

MARY: I'm staying strong for your sake. But sobbing has totally reshaped my nose.

The Miracle at Fatima:

SHEPHERD GIRL #1: Look -- what is that? It's brighter than the sun, shedding rays of light clearer and stronger than a crystal ball filled with the most sparkling water and pierced by the burning rays of the sun!

SHEPHERD GIRL #2: It's a giant spinning apparition of some woman!

SHEPHERD GIRL #3: It's Jessica Lange!

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD: No, it is I, Mary -- mother of the fruit of Christ!

SHEPHERD GIRL #1: You're not Mary. We'd recognize her. You look completely different. Your eyebrows are higher. Your nose is different. You don't have any wrinkles.

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD: I've been on a cruise. But now I've come to tell you children three secrets about the future of your world!

SHEPHERD GIRL #2: Seeing as how you're not Mary, why don't you just write them down and mail them to us?

MARY, MOTHER OF GOD: But I am Mary! Perhaps my face is distorted by atmospheric anomalies.

HIGH SCHOOL GIRL #3: Okay. I guess that makes sense.

1 comment:

Yet Another Steve said...

Damn, I want to watch this show with you. I'll bring the popcorn ...