Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Video Games For Seniors, Reviewed

Well, it's about time. Videogame manufacturers have finally wised up and realized that there's a huge untapped market of older people who'd love to play videogames but aren't up to the fast pace of the originals. We went out and bought some of the new games that are specially adapted with seniors in mind. Which are worth digging into your change purse? We think you might be surprised.

The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Years: Fun! Set in the fantasy land of Hyrule, the plot centers on boy named Link who has to collect the eight fragments of the Triforce of Wisdom so he can redeem them and pay his final expenses.

Call of Duty Salt-And-Pepper Ops: I enjoyed this. The pace has slowed considerably from the original, since this takes place at Normandy Beach in 1982. I strolled around an old battlefield while saying stuff like, "I remember it like it was yesterday. I lost two of my buddies but I got to bang a French chick with a snaggletooth." Then I spent two hours looking for a paratrooper with Metamucil and my pants fell down.

Sonic the Hedgehog Turns Sixty: I kind of enjoyed this, and totally didn't miss the original's heart-pounding pace. Basically you sit in Doctor Ivo Robotnik's waiting room while old dudes pet you and say, "Who's a good hedgehog? Who's a good hedgehog?" On Level Two you try to find a paper cup for free Sparkletts.

Super Mario Brothers Early Bird Edition: A massive misstep by a major player, this game is a disappointment. Basically you sit in an Italian restaurant and try to get the waiter to bring you half a meatball and some Alka Seltzer.

Grand Theft Auto, The Golden Years: I never understood why people enjoyed the original: it's all speeding and racing and crashing. If I wanted to get my heart rate up, I'd check out the price of canned beef stew at the Circle K. So, I was surprised that I actually liked this game. Nobody honked when I stopped to read the street signs. Nobody crashed into me when I approached a hooker and told her that her she was spitting at Jesus directly in the face. And I actually got two points when I got the gas pedal and brake confused and crashed my Dodge Dart through the window of a bingo parlor.

Octogenarian Fruit Ninja: I didn't like this game at all. The developers have definitely helped us old people by having the fruit just sitting there on a table, but how much damage can you do with a spoon?

No comments: