Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Would Any Of You Socialist Sponges Like Some Candy?

Big thanks to my friend Chamblee for pointing me toward a blog post that neatly encapsulates about a tenth of what I hate about the world today. I edited it pretty randomly because it's Ambien in print.

Yesterday I joined the Atlanta Young Republicans in a community outreach of delivering candy to fire stations for Valentine’s Day. We divided up in teams, mostly ladies, to divide and conquer the 41 stations across the city. When we arrived at a station, our schpeel [sic] went a little like this: “Hi my name is ________ and this is my friend _______ and we’re from the Atlanta Young Republicans. We just came out today to share our appreciation and deliver this bucket of Valentine’s Day candy. We are really grateful for all that you do.”
One paragraph in and we're up to our ankles in red flags. First, I don't believe I've heard of community outreach that doesn't actually reach out to the community. And I don't believe I've ever heard a blogger refer to herself and her friends as "ladies," unless she's writing for ChristiansAgainstTheDemonLiquor.com.

Still, I'll never criticize anybody who makes me picture them in hoop skirts and feathered hats.

Clearly there's an unspoken agenda: these "ladies" want to improve the Republican reputation. They could have saved eight bucks at Rite-Aid by taking some common-sense advice. Don't call yourselves ladies, and don't give out "gifts" that look like the crap you couldn't finish at Halloween.

At most of the stations, this opened the door for casual conversations. It was a really great opportunity to meet real public servants and make them feel appreciated. At one point, my car partner and I even discussed how we’d like to do MORE for our local fire fighters because of how kind they had all been to us.

That was, until, we were turned away because of political affiliation. Apparently one of the chiefs was concerned about accepting candy from a Republican group because they did not want to appear partisan. This prompted an email to a supervisor that resulted in a city-wide candy delivery shut down. I’m sorry, sir, but when did accepting candy from young professionals who wanted to solely express gratitude become a political statement?

Sigh. I've written previously about the burdens of being smart in a stupid world. This little idiocy is the text equivalent of stopping at the top of an escalator to answer your phone. Anyone with an IQ over 40 will immediately leap back a couple paragraphs to compare and contrast these lines:

"Hi my name is ________ and this is my friend _______ and we’re from the Atlanta Young Republicans."

"[W]hen did accepting candy from young professionals who wanted to solely express gratitude become a political statement?"

This is the confirmation we needed that there is something wrong with this woman that has resulted in her becoming Republican. And there's this extra Easter egg. "Young professionals," she specifies. Like "young professionals" handing out candy isn't a political statement, but old jobless folks just want to plant bombs for the IRA.

Would you have done the same thing from the Young Democrats? I’m calling you out, because I don’t think you would.
Yes, all of you who were so kind and told us such funny stories are TOTAL SONS OF BITCHES.

It’s interesting that the further south we went into the city, the less receptive people became. (I thought liberals liked free stuff???)
Sigh; of course it was inevitable. This is the evil drunk bitch who lives in every apartment building. "I'm upscale and friendly and I love everybody!" she says when she's sober. And after fourteen Dirty Martinis she's trying to get you to kiss her shoes by saying, "Oh, please! You're a lesbian -- you've had far worse things in your mouth." All along she's been thinking bad but playing nice. She's been saying, "Hi! I really appreciate you!" while thinking, "Look, another goddamn lefty is stealing our Republican mini-KitKat bars."

What the heck has the world come to? You can bet that the next time I deliver a meal to an Atlanta fire station, I will wrap it in elephant print saran wrap and tie Ronald Reagan quotes to each individual tray. I’ll deliver it in my ‘Friends Don’t Let Friends Vote Democrat shirt’ while playing ‘God Bless the USA’ on my iPhone.
Clearly she's foaming at the mouth while writing this, because her Halloween leftovers have magically morphed into fried chicken and mashed potatoes. But this is the fabulous finale that we just have to applaud. We're picturing fireworks bursting over her head as the liberal firemen slam doors in her face and her smile hardens into a jagged-tooth rictus. She's totally divorced from reality here, taking a stand specifically to get nice people to dislike her more. If these fabulously wonderful, kind bastards won't accept her generous offering of candy/meals that only desperate handout-seeking liberals want, then the next time she performs "community outreach" she's going to be totally nuts.

In the end, though, we have to admire this fabulous delusion, with a paper-thin veneer of kindness just barely masking the hate. We can't wait until this woman is a grandma and little Scotty, her grandson, says the mac and cheese is a little salty.

"Is it, dear? Oh, I'm sorry," she'll say to his face. And next time he comes around she'll tip eight cups of Mortons onto his plate saying, "That'll teach the fuckin' son-of-a-bitch!"

What do you mean, you don't want any fuckin' candy?


chamblee54 said...

Bless her heart.

RomanHans said...

I would have been meaner but there's good odds she's a relative.

Yet Another Steve said...

Well, she does reveal what passes for "chicken soup : the Republican soul" -- Take my kind and only 'sorta' politically-motivated crap or I'll trash you on the internet, bitch!

RomanHans said...

You can imagine her phone call if she ever needs the fire department: "Tell them to get here quick -- I gave them candy, for God's sake!"

Meanwhile, liberals like free stuff? We're not the ones lined up eighteen-deep for free Hot Pocket samples at Costco.

jeesau said...

I don't know why, but the words "my car partner" gave me the heebie jeebies.

RomanHans said...

Oh, I totally get why she said that: because if she just said "my partner" then we'd assume she's in a relationship -- and some people might guess it's a lesbian one. That little qualifier totally saves her pristine reputation.