I guess we can't really blame you. You tried it once before and it worked. You liked calling your enemies "gay," and just because you were told it was offensive didn't mean you'd stop doing it. You thought and thought and thought, and finally you came up with a stratagem: you changed what you said the word meant. You allegedly severed that awkward connection to homosexuality, so no longer would it be a homophobic slur. No, now it just meant that somebody was absolutely pitiful or unspeakably lame.

Got it? Now all the offense is gone!

You kept using the word, and nobody hit you. Nobody called you an idiot with Cheetos for brains. In fact, you were probably surprised by how well your little stunt worked. Now you can taunt and bully with the "gay" word and nobody can complain.

It worked so well you went after "faggot" next.

That was a tough one. It'd been around for thousands of years, so it had a history of horrifying. You tried and you tried but you just couldn't drop it, so you figured you'd change with it meant too.

And now, you say, the word "faggot" doesn't have anything to do with homosexuality. Now it means a dude who acts like a lady. You know, a whiny effeminate type of lady who minces and prances and shops too much and says stuff like, "Hey, girlfriend!" and "Oh no you di'int!"

It's got nothing at all to do with being gay.

Instantly every hetero in the world leapt atop the trend. The gay community futilely tried fighting back, but it was like sticking a cork in a broken dam. They got apologies from Tank Carder, Amar’e Stoudemire, Justin Fontaine, Azealia Banks, and Charlie Sheen, but the word never showed any sign of going away.

Finally, in desperation, the gay community decided: if we can't beat them, we're joining them.

Sure, it'd be terrific if we could take the high road, but sometimes you've just got to act like a pro athlete. I know we'd all love to stay smart, but sometimes you've just got to be a rapper. It'd be great if we could keep our dignity and stay classy, but sometimes you've just got to put your balls to the wall and say, "Fuck it. I'm acting like a total NASCAR fan."