Thursday, January 31, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Spotify is a digital music service that gives you access to millions of songs. Just think, a whole new world of music, just a click away! Let Spotify create the soundtrack to your life.

Choose from four levels of membership:

FREE. Yes, it's totally free. Listen to all the music you want, though occasionally we'll break in with a commercial. Like when you're listening to La Boheme, we might interrupt Mimi's death scene with highlights from Blake Shelton's latest disk. We're just trying to expand your horizons: it's not like we're trying to force you to upgrade to

UNLIMITED. Or as our subscribers call it, "No Blake Shelton commercials for just $4.99 a month."

PREMIUM. Technophile? For just $9.99 a month, you can listen to Spotify on all your devices, including your laptop, desktop, smart phone or tablet. Other people might say you're afraid of silence, but we totally don't judge.

ZERO CONTACT. Due to unprecedented customer demand we've recently introduced a new Spotify membership option more commonly called FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP HARASSING ME! For just $79.99 a month, we won't email me. At all!

As you may know, Spotify has massive technological power that allows us to do thousands of calculations every millisecond you're listening. Cued up a song with the word "drink" in it? We can find forty thousand similar tracks, from Blake Shelton's "Drink On It" to Blake Shelton's "I Drink" to Blake Shelton's "The More I Drink," and we can send you emails telling you about every one. We're pretty sure nobody solely bases their listening on the inclusion of the word "drink" in the lyrics, but with our computational power we don't have to take that chance.

For just $79.99 a month, though, we'll stop firing up the CPU every time you listen to a song. When you listen to James Blake, Elijah Blake or Norman Blake, we will no longer text you that we've got a whole bunch of Blake Shelton too.

We'll also stop snooping through your online accounts and updating you whenever somebody you've emailed or friended fires up Spotify. Don't care that your optometrist is playing "Inna Gadda Davida"? Couldn't give a damn that your mom added an Al Martino song to her "When Men Didn't Sound Like Queers" playlist? This is the membership option for you.

Additionally, you'll be freed from the eternal torment of unsubscribing. Yes, we know you unsubscribed from our notifications. We just added a new email category called "announcements," though, and we signed everybody up for it, just in case. If you think this is an annoying one-shot event, in the coming weeks we'll be adding new categories for customer communications including dispatches, advisories, revelations, missives, epistles and communiques.

Sure, we've had a few licensing problems. Like, we've only got one Pink Floyd record, and it's live. We don't have anything by Isaac Hayes that's more than ten minutes long, which means everything by Isaac Hayes. Since we heard some of you like a band called Led Zeppelin, though, we recently added an audio track where people talk about them. Regardless, we've got millions and millions of songs so there's always something to listen to, whether it's live tracks that sound like they were recorded in a field by a guy near the taco truck, or your favorite country hits.

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