I couldn't sleep last night so I put the TV on, and in between grogginess and complete unconsciousness I experienced a bizarre piece of refuse from the 1960s entitled Gidget.

"Gidget." As one of the hunky, shirtless surfers handily explained, it's a contraction of the words "girl" and "midget." Ha! Isn't that adorable? But don't bother running to the computer: the producers didn't follow up this film with a feature called Gewess or Bigro.

The lyrics of the title song nicely sum up our girl.

She acts sorta teenage, just in-between age
Looks about four foot three.
Although she's just small fry, just about so-high
Gidget is the one for me.

Got that? You've got to admire the writer's tolerance. Even though she's underage and possibly illegal, it's totally cool with him.

If she says she loves you
You can bet your boots she loves you.
If she says she hates you
That can also mean she loves you.

Oh. Okay. I'll keep that in mind in case the chloroform wears off.

It very well may be
she's just a baby,
speaking romantically.
If that's a bad feature,
I'll be the teacher --
Gidget is the one for me!

It's hard to put all these lyrics into a safe, sane context. I mean, this was some fluffy teen movie, but the message couldn't have been more clear: "Hello, America! I'm Frankie Avalon. I want to teach your post-pubescent females how to love."

As I watched the film in horror, I thanked my lucky stars I wasn't alive back then. Because while it may have been heaven for clueless heteros, gays didn't have it quite so good. Even today if I went to any part of 47 states and told some random stranger that I was dating a boy midget, I'd get shot in the face. If I included the words "just a baby" and "I'll be the teacher!" I'm pretty sure the Pope would assign me to some church.

There's a hit song from the 60's that echoes this sentiment called Lollipops and Roses. It's purportedly a love song, though it sounds like a how-to book for lonely dudes with vans. Like Gidget, it's a tribute to those lovely little creatures who are halfway between being a girl and a woman.

One day she'll smile, next day she'll cry,
minute to minute you'll never know why.
Coax her, pet her, better yet, get her
roses and lollipops and lollipops and roses.

] Maybe Mitt Romney thinks everything was better in the 60s, but we gays know better. Though they were clearly very knowledgeable about relationships, all those ho-daddies in Gidget probably wouldn't have Watusied to my song, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots and Rum.