Atheists and Foxholes

There's a saying that I absolutely detest: "There are no atheists in foxholes."

It's totally offensive, and obviously so. It says that people of a certain religious belief will completely reverse themselves under pressure. Rather than being true, though, it's the way Christians reassure themselves that they're not wasting their time. "Everybody else is going to see the light," they claim, "when the chips are down."

Me, I've been through some tough times, and while they've caused me to cry, throw things, and wear disguises to buy stuff at Rite Aid, they've never prompted me to reexamine the existence of God. In fact, I can confidently say that this is never going to change. I'm also not suddenly going to decide that Tom Cruise is the best actor of our generation, and that Slim Jims are the greatest food known to man.

Still, this adage keeps rearing its stupid head, and I keep getting pissed off. It's not like I can disprove it. I'd actually have to enlist, fly to Iraq, throw myself into the middle of a battle and wait for shooting to start. Then I'd have to find a phone, call these folks and scream, "Hey, look, ya freakin' idiots! I still don't believe in God!"

Which is a little too much effort for me. Instead, I'll fight fire with fire.

There are no Christians at orgies. Trust me. After seeing a hot blonde taking on anybody who'll have her, even the staunchest believer heads for the end of the line. "Well, some scholars say the Bible is a kind of metaphor," they declare before they unzip their pants.