Recently I got an email from "Homoludenz" asking me to blog about a "new gay barbarian webcomic" by Dale Lazarov and Delic Van Loond. Since I'm totally gay positive and an easy mark, I'm happy to oblige. Plus, I haven't found anybody to complain about today.
The only problem is, I can't figure it out. Isn't there any dialog? Aren't there captions? For readers as brain-dead as myself, I wrote up what seems to be the story line and I offer it to you here.
Page 1
STRANGER: Behold, yonder is a village! Oscar, my trusty four-footed steed, let us descend thither. I am in desperate need of a gymnasium: I haven't worked out in a fortnight, and my delts are beginning to sag.
OSCAR: At once, master! Methinks we may discover the bottom half of my tail!
Page 2
WOMAN #1: Who is that fine stranger with the callouses on his firm behind?
WOMAN #2: I hath never laid eyes on him before. He is so fetching, so manly! I wager you twenty farthings he hies either to the brothel or to the gaol.
WOMAN #1: Ha! You have no eye for character, my sister. I'll bet he goes straight to Williams-Sonoma. (Pause.) I win.
OSCAR: Okay, Einstein, I'm supposed to reach the water exactly how?
STRANGER: Why, what mystery is this? Some peculiar kind of ceremony wherein a berobed holy man bestows his blessing upon two people?
BARMAID: It's called "Marriage." Judging from your hair and your necklace, though, it's not something you need to worry about.
Page 3
STRANGER: Oh, okay. I will take my leave in a backward manner, because if you see my hot, tight butt you may start to suspect that I'm gay.
OSCAR: Master, are we finished here? I'm hot, I'm bored, and I've got a collapsible umbrella stuck in my mane. Meanwhile, I think I broke a nail.
STRANGER: I shall yank your shoe off with my bare hands and carry it around. Thank the gods I bought boots with knee pads! (To woman): Greetings, oval-headed wench! Didn't I see your offspring in a Maurice Sendak book?
WOMAN: Ye be crazy: I stole him from Lynda Barry. If ye be require a blacksmith, look no further. There's one in the next panel, hence.
Last Page
BLACKSMITH: Whoa! Greetings, Fairest of Strangers! That be a mighty fine ass you have.
STRANGER: Ahoy, my new friend in the sleeveless Calvin Klein tee! Ye surely be no soothsayer, for by the gods the noble Oscar is a horse. Likewise, though, I'm appreciative of the airy sway of your Crested Nuthatches dangling in the breeze. Can you perhaps pound replacement footware for my poor befuddled beast?
BLACKSMITH: Yes, I certainly can. Does he have sensitive feet, like the docile Cecil here, or can I use the regular mallet?
OSCAR: Pound away, buddy. I can take whatever you dish out!
BLACKSMITH: Your loincloth rides up your crotch, displaying a most perplexing bareness. Have you an explanation?
STRANGER: The last village I visited had a salon where wax was dripped upon my nethers and then ripped off. The experience was quite alarming, but it leaves me smooth as a baby's bottom for near upon six weeks.
BLACKSMITH: Well, then, it sounds like something I should try. When I don my knickers it looks like Gene Shalit wearing a blindfold.
STRANGER: First attend to my horse, and then I will demonstrate. I trust you have no problem with pain?
BLACKSMITH: It shall be a new experience for me. No drugs, no scat, and "rhubarb" is our safe-word, okay?
OSCAR: Do you have Revlon's Turquoise Temptation? I'm feeling a little bit flirty today.
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3 comments:
You have got to team up with this artist. The essential silliness of his (admittedly well-crafted) work is salvaged, even elevated, by your dialog. With you, he might stand a chance of getting published on paper. Hell, I'D buy it.
Calloused backside indeed (along with what looks like the Wedgie from Hell). Five minutes on a horse in that getup and our hero would be crying like a little girl.
Meanwhile, I'm the twelfth most popular person in Finland today because of this. Here's what one website is saying:
"World Class Stupid tarjoaa kielioppivinkkejä pornon kirjoittajille."
Yeah, like I haven't heard that before.
I agree with yet another steve. This could be your big break. My Finnish is a little rusty, but that website either thinks you are eligible marriage material, or there's a Finnish Fatwah issued on you, sort of like that misunderstanding with Salman Rushdi. Which was great exposure for him, right? so not to worry though. Keep up the good work!
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