Luscious Lance Gets His Chance

I was walking Snowflake when I saw this flyer taped to a neighborhood tree. That's what trees are for in New York: they're doggie toilets, as well as cork boards for folks with something to say.

Even for amateur wrestling, this is a motley crew. Tiberius has clearly shot up too many Mexican steroids. It looks like the only exercise Mad Dog gets is trying to work a comb through his beard. The Shaolin Assassin has obviously eaten too much Shaolin Spaghetti.

And what can I say about Luscious Lance? The details are fuzzy even with the actual flyer in hand. On his head is the Disheveled model, Ash Blonde shade, from the Courtney Love House of Wigs. He has either a corsage or an angry chinchilla pinned to the lapel of his Dress Barn oversized trench. There seems to be a large clock dangling over his hand, like he's some kind of gay Flavor Flav. And even in black and white, it's clear the lipstick and eyeshadow have been applied with a trowel and still can't hide his manly complexion.

I'm almost tempted to go to this event just to see how Luscious fares. I'm hoping he gets paired up with Crazy Carl Catholic: you know, the balding, mild-mannered accountant who leads old women to their pews on Sunday and then trawls GangBangGeishas.com during the week. I can just picture Carl splashing Lance with holy water before sucking down a six-pack of Pabst and trying to feel up all the pubescent girls in the house.

Or perhaps, since Lance is clearly not completely male, he'll be paired with Carl's wife, Cuckoo Carla Catholic. She could lecture Luscious on Jesus' legacy of love, then go home and slap her daughter Sofia silly for even thinking about dating somebody black.

Even if Lance loses -- and based on my experience with faux-wrestling, he will -- he'll still have a future around here. This is an old Italian neighborhood: the old women all wear cheap, ratty housedresses, and the young ones wear midriff-bearing halter tops they've Bedazzled with glittery expletives.

Lance will still have a shot at Best Dressed.