She ordered four blooming orchids from the Aloha Orchid Nursery in Hawaii as my present. I like orchids so it was really thoughtful, but the reality was a box full of crap. None of the plants was actually blooming, and they'd been so badly packed half of the buds fell off. Two plants were turning yellow and losing leaves, and on one plant all but one of the buds were seemingly dying.
I wasn't going to complain. I was just going to email them and tell them that my orchids didn't look so well. Because, you know, if one kicked off a month from now and I wrote then they'd say, "Too late! You should have told us before!" But I couldn't find an email address, so I called.
Mahehalani was full of the island spirit. Customer concern, not so much. Losing leaves is perfectly normal, she assured me. They're called "cane orchids" because they lose their leaves, leaving you with bare canes. Eventually, she said, they'd grow more.
Now, I found this an interesting lesson in orchid microbiology, but not particularly satisfying as an explanation for a birthday gift that was going straight into the trash. But Mahehalani -- I'm picturing her in a muumuu and lei -- was blithely unconcerned that the orchids they describe as "blooming" were well on their way to being birthday canes.
I pointed Mahehalani to the guarantee. "You deserve the very best in quality and service," it reads. "We offer 100% unconditional guarantee on all of our tropical flowers. If at any time you are not completely happy, please let us know so we can rectify any errors that may of [sic] occurred."
That's not their orchid guarantee, Mahehalani said, perhaps adjusting the anthurium behind her ear. That's their Tropical Flower Guarantee. And though orchids are both tropical and flowers, it doesn't apply to them. The orchid guarantee plainly states they'll send you whatever they damn well want.
Realizing this was going nowhere at long-distance charges, I pointed Mahehalani to the description on their website. It couldn't have been more clear: "4 Blooming Dendrobium orchids," it says. These clearly weren't blooming. Isn't that like sending a Pinto when somebody ordered a Range Rover?
Au contraire, Mahehalani said, with poi and a doobie possibly nearby. The orchids I received are blooming: the blooms just haven't opened yet. They never send open flowers.
They just post pictures of them.
Screwed by Hawaiians. Mahalo!
P. S. You also don't get those cute little pots.
5 comments:
So...was your birthday yesterday? Is that why I spent the better part of the day (at work, no less) pressing "refresh" and waiting for a new entry? Either way, I hope you had a good birthday, despite the lack of orchids.
Yes, it was yesterday. It was one of those awkward ages best celebrated in the dark, with alcohol in hand.
I think there's some way of subscribing to my page where it'll tell you when something new has been posted. That way, at least, you'll only be disappointed once.
Happy birthday Romanhans!
Virgos are wonderful writers, so it's no surprise that you were born under that fabulous sign.
Thanks again for all your wonderful posts!
Toodles
PS Still having nightmares, though, about the tiny old nun you and your boyfriend encountered during your stay at the converted nunnery in France.....SHUDDER :)
Your plants have flower buds, they should open soon into orchid flowers.
I totally feel your pain. I wish I found out about the reviews of this stupid Aloha Orchid Nursery before I placed my order just last week on 9/25. I ordered the same item (4 blooming dendrobium) for $50 on their website. I received the shipment today and was completely shocked. They also sent me the same pieces of crap that they sent you. I can't believe some Hawaiian people are thieves like this.
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