Boobquake Day

An Indiana college student has attracted 30,000 supporters for a Facebook campaign urging women to show as much cleavage as possible to prove that breasts do not cause earthquakes.

Jen McCreight has named Monday, April 26 National Boobquake Day as a protest against an Iranian cleric who claimed that women who do not cover up were to blame for predictions that Tehran would be hit by a quake.

"On Monday, April 26, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own," McCreight said. "I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts.

"With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake."

So if you see a scantily-clad woman standing in a doorway on Monday, she absolutely, positively isn't a whore.

Here's a photo from the new Broadway production American Idiot.


Evidently in this bleak, nihilistic vision of America, the godless punks spend three hours a day at the gym.

I have a lot more respect for Orthodox Jews than I do for Christians.

I'm an atheist, but that doesn't mean I automatically think religious people are stupid. I do a lot of things that other people think are stupid: I enjoy parades, I eat outdated sushi from the Bargain Bin, I buy CDs. Obviously I'm living in a glass house, so who I am to say somebody's dumb to believe in God?

Personally, I don't think the Bible is the word of God. I mean, if God had exactly three hundred pages to tell earthlings how to act, from the beginning of time all the way to the Rapture, I'm thinking there probably wouldn't be a chapter on the moustache.

If you're going to say the Bible is the word of God, though, you've got to follow through, and Christians just don't. They divide the Bible into two parts: the sensible stuff, and the crazy shit. Jesus, obviously, is sensible. He's cool. He's like a zen master always ready with a sound bite. Luckily he's in a whole different chapter, far away from the parts that say you should kill people who sprinkle parmesan cheese on fish. But then there's all that wacky stuff about shunning and stoning and human sacrifice. Whereas something written by an omnipotent creator should be a pretty cool read, the bible is the novel equivalent of a road trip across the U. S. It's really cool when you drive through Yosemite or Zion, but then there's those long stretches where everybody's toothless and has beer-bottle windchimes.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why religious people think editing the Bible is okay. I mean, God was all-powerful, right? He knew everything. He wasn't Norman Mailer. Was God schizophrenic? Did he drink? How come he needs this kind of leeway? I mean, after he realized vast portions of the book were total crap, couldn't he have rewound time and replaced it with an edited version?

I don't see them cutting regular folks that kind of slack. Einstein was nearly super-human too, but people would have written him off if he'd drunk-called them at night saying they should kill their kids with rocks.

Orthodox Jews, though, wholeheartedly embrace the Torah's crazy. When they decided to believe in the book, they threw themselves in whole hog. Christians would read the part about mixing dairy and meat, and think to themselves, "Whoa, that's weird. Wonder how that got in there. God musta had a bad day." Orthodox Jews, though, go, "Looks like I need more pots and pans."

When Christians read the Bible's words about how disgusting menstruating women are, they say, "Wow, that is so freaky I'm just gonna pretend it's not there. Orthodox Jews, though, think, "Hmm -- I guess I gotta get some kind of special tub."

It's easier for me to accept somebody's homophobia when I know it's part of a giant package of weird. If you're laying on the couch all Sunday drinking beer and watching football and you say God don't like gays, you're not religious: you're an idiot. But if you stay home because it's a sin to press elevator buttons and you think God doesn't like gays, I got no problem with that.

I might disagree, but I'll admire your courage. And if your God is okay with dollar shellfish, I might even offer you a snack.

Muffin Was Just Feeling a Little Light-Headed Until the Fur Stole Came Off

Last week, Barack Obama gave a speech in which he addressed America's responsibility to the world. "[W]hether we like it or not," he said, "we remain a dominant military superpower, and when conflicts break out, one way or another we get pulled into them."

Naturally, Sarah Palin was tweeting about it within seconds, not even waiting to hear the sentence's end. "'Whether we like it or not we're a superpower'?" she repeated. "What kind of commie doesn't want America to be a superpower? Does he want to tear down all of our skyscrapers and plant banana trees?"

Word quickly circulated in the idiot media, and soon teabaggers were addressing the subject in their signs. "WE LIK BEING A SUPRPOUR," said one sign. "WE DONT WANnA BE LIK KEENYA," another said.

Rather than lower ourselves into this imaginary debate, we'll just explain a grammatical rule to Ms. Palin: You can't slice a clause down the middle and pretend the second half doesn't exist.

Here's an easy example. "Like it or not," Paris Hilton might say, "I'm pretty, and I attract the attention of a lot of men."

It's easy to guess Palin's reaction. "Like it or not she's pretty?" Palin would scream. "What's wrong with being PRETTY? Should we all slice at our faces with KNIVES?"

I'm surprised Palin ignored the next line in Obama's speech. "[Getting pulled into conflicts] ends up costing us significantly in terms of both blood and treasure." "'Treasure'?" she could yell. "Are we paying our hardworking servicepeople with DOUBLOONS?"

Still, I got no problem with Palin. She's the natural end result of a country with no education and no attention span. She soldiers on the only way she can.

Her head is up. Her ass is covered.

And you can slice that any way you want.

When We Fight For the Right to Name Our Dogs Inspector Dudley Crumbs, We're Fighting For All Of Us

PAT SAJAK: All right, we want to hear the Brent Benedetti story now.

BRENT BENEDETTI: I'm recently married to a man who's been cracking me up for the last ten years. His name is John. Uh, we have a dog named Inspector Dudley Crumbs and a cat named Kitty-Pants.

PAT SAJAK: Yeah? So do I. Fantastic. Our lives are almost parallel. Strange.

BRENT BENEDETTI: I love interior design and home staging, and I love to hike and travel in my free time.

PAT SAJAK: All right, good to have you here, Brent.

Predicting the Future

SOME IDIOT NEWS ANCHOR: I think he just likes being handcuffed.

He Was So Stoned It Took Eight Hours Before He Realized Those Weren't His Hands

Some Prisoners Might Not Be Geniuses, But They Fall In Love Just Like The Rest Of Us

I Can't Tell Who's Imitating Who Any More

I'm not going to see this movie.

When my feet stick to the floor in a movie theater, I want to know it's just Coke.

And suddenly E*Trade's milkaholic baby doesn't look so bad.

I've already cancelled the cleaning lady, but I'm praying the Fresh Direct guy can figure out how to open the door by himself.

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This is unbelievable. I went to a sandwich shop yesterday and saw this tiny notice posted on the wall.

Disclaimer
Due to the high cost of food manufacturing and the strict laws regarding quality, this sandwich shop has replaced its cheese with triangular non-dairy sandwich slices. We're confident that you will enjoy these triangular non-dairy sandwich slices for their bright colors and sharp flavors, as we appreciate their indefinite shelf-life and how they don't need to be kept anywhere cold.

For your convenience, however, we will assume that when you say you want Cheddar on your sandwich, you really mean you want a yellow slice. The same with requests for American cheese. We also assume when you say you want Swiss on your sandwich, you want a white slice. Similarly Provolone. Edam, Gouda, Vermont White Cheddar, Parmesan, Feta and Mozzarella.

This notice therefore serves as legal written notice that we are not required to correct your assumptions about our triangular non-dairy sandwich slices, whether you assume they're imported from another country, aged in a cave or not made entirely of oil. We're certain that you'll find them tasty either alone or paired with our shaved lunch cutlets, pink or brown, which are discussed at length in our brochure.

Octuplets mother Nadya Suleman, under threat of having her home foreclosed, has accepted an offer from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. For $5,000 and a month's supply of vegan food, she'll allow the animal-rights group to place a sign on her front lawn telling people they need to sterilize their pets.

You know those sea turtles that swim up onto the beach and deposit hundreds of eggs into a hole? Even they were offended by this.

Yeah? I'd lick the print off all those bills before I'd get my tongue near one of those chicks.

The Catholic Church Molestation Scandal in Ten Lines or Less

THEM: Our priests never molested anybody. This is just one or two bitter gay atheists making crazy accusations so they can get rich quick.

US: Then why do you keep paying them off?

THEM: We're just trying to be nice. Well, maybe there's one or two bad apples in the barrel. When we find the occasional priest who's guilty of molestation, though, we do something about it!

US: Yes. You move them to another church.

THEM: Okay, maybe there's a problem, but it isn't pedophilia. These are evil gay men who somehow infiltrated our ranks.

US: If they were gay men, they'd be sleeping with each other.

THEM: You know, I think you're trying to make a big deal out of nothing. I think this is a vast left-wing conspiracy by atheists aimed at bringing down the Pope. But he didn't know! He didn't have a clue!

US: Oh, look! Here's a signed letter from him telling somebody to ignore a molestation case.

THEM: You people really need to forgive and let go.

I'm on the fence. Would a thoughtful boyfriend do something that makes you think, if even for a second, that the fruits and vegetables in your fridge were going to rise up and consume you?

Hong Kong scientists have developed a robotic hand that allows people talking over the web to experience the sensation of touching each other — even feeling the strength of a handshake.

The cyber hand can grip and shake as well as make gestures and touch. The current model is expected to go on sale by Christmas for around $37 each.

I've got a beta version of this and I'm not convinced it's a good thing. For instance, I accidentally dialed the Vatican and now I can't find my underwear.