Dear Bill Donohue:

You want to give the gays a taste of their own medicine. They want to march in New York's St. Patrick's Day Parade, so in retaliation you say you want to march in our Gay Pride Parade. And you want to hold a banner that reads, "STRAIGHT IS GREAT."

Unlike Irish Catholics, gay people are actually inclusive, so it looks like they're going to let you do that. Just for future reference, though, know that your compassionate Christian request isn't remotely equivalent to ours. We want to hold banners that read, "LGBT CLOG-DANCERS," or "GAELIC GAYS," or "ERIN GO BRAGHLESS LESBIANS." To approximate you, we'd have to carry one that read, "WE MAY BE GAY BUT YOU'RE ALL DRUNKS."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans